Behind The Scenes

37. Jo

It's been 10 days since I had that dream. I've felt better for the past five days, but to be on the safe side I'll take the test today.
"Did you finish eating?" Hero asks me before taking the plate and I say yes.
"Okay," I get up, "I'm going to take the test..."
"Okay, I'll wait for you over there," and he goes into the bedroom rubbing the back of his neck, he's nervous, and so am I.
I go into the bathroom and take the Clearblue that I put in the drawer under the sink. My hands are shaking, I have too much anxiety.
I remove the test "cap" and sit on the toilet and hold the absorbent tip under the stream of urine for just five seconds. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... While I count them some tears are streaming down my face and I don't understand why. Once done, I close it and place it on the sink. The hourglass flashes, it means it's processing the result. I walk back and forth with my hands in my hair and feel them shaking.
After about five minutes or less the result appeared. I pick it up and once aware of what it says I burst into tears.
"Not pregnant".
I'm not sure why I'm crying, I just know Hero doesn't have to hear me.
I... maybe I was hoping for a little, but Anna, Kath... everyone was right. It was unlikely and I just deluded myself. The symptoms were there, they were those, now they have almost disappeared, but before they were there. But surely, as Hero had told me, they were just side effects.
I put a hand to my mouth to suppress my sobs. I absolutely don't want Hero to hear me.
After another five minutes I can calm down. I look in the mirror, I look shocked, I am shocked. I have rosy lips, puffy eyes and tangled hair. I wash my face and comb my hair. Nothing changes, you can see that all is not well. But I have to get out of this bathroom sooner or later.
I sit on the toilet seat and keep my eyes fixed on the void, I don't think about anything.
"Jo? Are you alive?" he asks loud enough from the bedroom.
I clear my throat. "I'm coming."
I open the sliding door of the bathroom and walk slowly with my hands at my sides and with one hand I hold the test. My fingers are shaking.
"Then?" he says as he sits up.
"See for yourself" I try to say in a neutral tone, but my voice breaks at the last.
Hero looks at me confused. I hand him the test and he takes it with two hands from both ends.
When he reads the result he too remains silent, facing the truth.
My bottom lip trembles and my eyes fill with tears. I try to push them back, but I can't.
He puts the Clearblue on the bedside table, gets up abruptly and hugs me tightly making me rest my right cheek on his chest.
His gray shirt gets wet with my tears. I sniff.
"Honey, I... I maybe—" I start, crying.
But he interrupts me. "Shhh," he strokes my head, "we should have expected it," and wipes his eyes with one hand.
Is he crying too?
"Yes, but I..." and I burst into sobs.
He takes my face in his hands and looks me in the eyes. "Look on the bright side though. It was still early, don't you think?"
I nod.
"We'll try again, in a few years, when we have a big house, more money, we'll be older and more mature and we can be fantastic parents, believe me," he says while a few tears fall on his face.
In a few years. I smile.
"Yes, you're right, but do you think that in a few years we..."
"Yes, fuck. I believe in it as I believe in the horoscope," he chuckles,"but however, joking aside, I love you, I love you so much that I don't want to be with anyone else in my life but with you and only you. Do you understand this?" he looks me more intently in his eyes.
I nod and kiss him putting my arms around his neck.
He puts his hands on my hips and brings my body closer to him. His tongue parts my lips and makes its way into my mouth. I welcome it and mine begins to follow its movements.
He looks at me, breathes heavily. He starts kissing me again and then sits on the bed.
I try to untie the tie of his sweatpants, he has tied a nice tight knot...
While I continue to try to untie that cursed knot, he runs his hands from my knees to the hem of the red cotton tight dress I'm wearing. He takes it and starts lifting it until he takes it off me and lets it fall to the ground.
"That dress is beautiful," he says as he unties the knot of his pants. How did he do it?
He lifts his hips to help me take them off.
"Oops!" I chuckle, accidentally I took them off along with the boxers. Accidentally.
"Sure... oops!" he shakes his head smiling.
I straddle him still with my underwear on. Suddenly he takes me by the hips and puts me under him.
I don't want to think about anything but how much I need him right now.