Behind The Scenes

77. Jo

At 6pm Hero and I are home alone. They invited us out but I explained that I don't feel well and that Hero would certainly have preferred to stay at home with me to make sure I was okay.
Now we are still in my room. He is lying on his back and staring at the ceiling, thoughtful; I am turned on my side towards him, but I don't even glance at him. I am trying to put my thoughts in order, but only the presence of him here distracts me.
I get up without saying anything and go to the bathroom to pee before going downstairs.
"You okay?" he asks without coming looking for me.
"Yeah."
I pull the water, wash my hands and head for the door to leave the room. I look at him for a second and then I close the door behind me.
I need to focus on something else.
I go back and when I open the door to my room Hero raises his head.
I take the first book of After from the nightstand and leave the room again with my head down.
Once arrived in the living room, I sit on the armchair with legs crossed and start reading. I also reread those first two handwritten pages.
I think a break is necessary, to allow both of us to understand how we feel. I don't want it all to end, no, just a few messages and a few phone calls from time to time would be fine just to find out how we are. We don't have to kiss, touch, and try not to think about it during this break period. If things don't work out then we'll see later.
I believe there is a difference between loving someone and not being able to live without them.
When I hear Hero coming down the stairs I am about to start another chapter.
He sits down on the sofa and then asks me, "Are you enjoying it?"
I look up from the pages to meet his eyes. "Yes," I reply simply.
I look at the time on my cell phone: a quarter of an hour has passed and I got hungry.
"Hey," I turn to him, "do you want to eat something?"
"You?" he says, as if distracted by something.
"Yes... but something light."
He gets up. "Okay, can you help me prepare something?"
I join him and we set the table together.
We prepare the salad while two slices of white meat are cooking on the grill.
We don't talk much, just "hand me this" and "hand me that".
"If you want to have a beer, go ahead," I tell him.
He opens the fridge and takes a bottle of Corona, opens it and takes a sip.
I sit at the head of the table and fill a glass of water.
Hero puts the meat on the plates and seasoned it with a pinch of salt and oil.
He sits next to me, looks me in the eye and says, "Bon appetite."
I hint a smile and we begin to eat in deafening silence.
"I'm sorry... for earlier," you can hear the guilt in his voice.
"Yeah, I'm sorry too," I say in a neutral tone.
We do not dwell beyond those words. The atmosphere is cold, frozen, the opposite of the night we went to dinner in Atlanta. I miss the old days honestly, but I wouldn't go back to change something, I wouldn't.
I'm curious ti know what he would do.
"If you could go back to the day we met, would you change anything?" I ask him out of nowhere.
He frowns at me. "Why do you ask me that?"
"Dunno," I shrug.
He thinks about it for a moment. "No," he then replies.
"Me neither."
And our little discussion ends here. I hate this coldness.
Once we finish eating, my head is popping but I still offer to clear and rinse the dishes. Hero notices that I'm not feeling well and he takes care of it, I'm going to lie down on the sofa.
Hero joins me and sits on the armchair. "How do you feel?"
"Shit," I answer sincerely. I think I have a million hormones in turmoil because I feel irritated and angry, tired, emotional and weak. I could cry seeing a leaf shake in the wind and then fall to the ground in solitude.
It pisses me off like a beast thinking about the afternoon argument and I feel weak at the thought that I might be expecting a baby. I want to cry... I really think I will, now.
"Hey, why are you crying?" he asks me worried sitting next to me.
I hiccup, I can't speak.
He sighs. "Baby, it's okay. Tell me, I'm here," and he caresses my face.
"Hero..." I try to speak, with poor results.
"Breathe, try to calm down a little."
I take a deep breath, but I cry more than before. I need a hug. I sit down and throw myself into his arms.
"Shh... I'm here." He kisses me on the shoulder.
"I have... hormones in turmoil," I say sobbing. "I started crying thinking of a leaf falling to the ground!"
He doesn't say anything but he caresses my back gently.
"And I'm angry."
"This is my fault..." he says softly.
"Yeah, that's right..." I pause to cry again.
I detach myself from his embrace to look at him in those beautiful green eyes. "Why do you have to doubt me?"
"I don't doubt you."
"Bullshit," I burst out. "You do, and now just tell me why."
"You didn't tell me your period was late... by twenty days to make it clear," he explains.
"I didn't think it was so late! Do you understand? It was not my intention!" I burst into tears again in his arms.
"All right."
"All right shit, you're just saying that to— I need a break," I say suddenly.
He opens his eyes wide. "What? What are you talking about?"
"We need it, both of us," I point out.
He shakes his head quickly. "No, no instead."
"I don't want to leave you, it's just a break," I specify.
"You know, too, that we're going to end up breaking up..." His eyes fills with tears.
"It's not true."
He takes my tear-wet face in his hands. "Jo, I love you and I can't live without you..." he leans his forehead against mine.
This is what I was talking about earlier...