Behind The Scenes

89. Jo

I can't believe I actually did it... It reminds me a little bit of August, when I literally kissed him out of nowhere.
Although I've kissed him twice already — and the second time I even nibbled his lips lightly — I want to take it slow. Getting officially back together now does not seem appropriate to me. Who knows where an official return might take us...
I hope these months of separation have served some purpose. I reflected and reasoned, I listened to my head and heart and I came to a conclusion: I want him in my life. There is a difference between needing it and wanting it. If I am sick and need to take medicine, I take it because I need it. If I have two things in front of me and I choose one instead of another, it's because I wanted to choose that one, even if the other would have been more convenient for me. This is how it works.
Why do I want him? Well, he's one of those few people — apart from my family — who know how to love me, unconditionally, despite my shitty temper and all my flaws. He knows how to love them all. And I don't think I would be able to love anyone else after him. I have consumed body and soul for him, and I will continue to do so even after there is nothing left of me. He deserves all the love in this world, because, despite the bullshit, he is a good person, with a big heart and always ready to help others.
I want to return to him stronger than before and more aware of the love I feel for him.
One day when Josephine Fiennes Tiffin appears on my ID card, I'll even be ready to admit and tell people that everything they were saying was true, that we met on the set of After and fell in love during shooting the film.
I don't recognize myself anymore. Until recently, I did not consider marriage to be such an important step to take when you're with someone. But now... I think it is. I've thought about it, and I think it is an unbreakable promise.
I want our house turned upside down by a little Hero or a little me.
I just want a life with him, with or without marriage and children, the first thing I want is him.
                                    * * *
We're still flying, they're serving food.
"Do you want something?" asks the flight assistant.
Anna tells her a glass of Coke and a snack while I shake the sleeping Hero.
"Hey. Are you hungry?" I tell him in a low voice in his ears.
"Mhm-hm... a little," he replies in a hoarse voice.
"What do you wish?" the stewardess turns to me and Hero.
He tells her he wants a glass of beer, he too with snacks; I have a glass of Coke like Anna and a packet of chips.
When I open it I make a great noise. "Sorry!" I whisper, and we giggle.
Every time I turn to Hero I can't help but smile. He looks at me and bites his lower lip. He gives that half smile that makes his right dimple appear and I touch it with my index finger.
He chuckles. "It missed you, you know?" he says talking about his dimple.
I give a little laugh. "Oh really?"
He nods.
I lean over and kiss his right cheek, smacking my lips.
His smile widens and we laugh together.
"Enjoying yourself, huh?" Anna tells us happy that we are slowly getting back together.
"Yup."
I take a chip and put it between my lips making a face at Hero. He brings his lips closer to mine and smashes the potato chip between them with his teeth. "Thanks," he says chewing.
"Come on! Stupid," I jokingly reproach him. Then I put the package between us so he can eat them too.
"What are we gonna talk about tonight?" he asks suddenly catching me off guard.
I think a few seconds of the answer. "Um... let's talk about it directly tonight, okay? It is useless to tell you now."
He nods. "All right."
We are silent for a few minutes, until he asks me curiously, "Have you read the books?"
I like this topic. I nod, "Mhm-hm, each of them," I say proudly.
"True?" Anna interjects.
"Yes... I loved Hardin and Tessa from the first to the last chapter."
"Are you Team Hardin or Team Tessa then?" Anna tells me.
"Team Tessa," I reply dryly. "Because she is a young girl and despite this she has had the strength to face life, including the past and the future. And I admire the fact that she changed Hardin for the better, but without transforming the Hardin she loves."
Anna and Hero look at me, amazed by my explanation.
"You're absolutely right, you got the message perfectly," Anna intervenes. "Being able to change the person you love means improving them, for their benefit and for their own good."
I nod in agreement with her. What she just said is so true.
"You, Hero?" she asks him.
"What?" she says absently.
"Team Hardin or Team Tessa?"
He snorts and shakes his head. "Team Hardin, of course."
"And why?" I ask him, even if it was to be expected.
"Well, because he's one of those people who pretend not to care but who in the end are the ones who care most. Despite what he did to Tess... he would fucking die for her after all, who are we kidding."
"You can say it loudly," Anna agrees.
"He is not a bad person, he has just a messed up past," I intervene.
"Hero, you should read the books too," Anna tells him.
He rolls his eyes. "I don't like reading, I could try but I already know that I won't even finish the first of the five novels."
"I'll lend you mine if you want," I say casually.
"Sorry, but I won't read them."
At least we tried.
After this discussion, I lean my head on Hero's shoulder and doze off. I feel as usual he draws abstract figures on my thigh. This thing makes me feel at home...