Behind The Scenes

80. Jo

March 2019

I remember that December night very well, because it was the last time we touched.
I knew what we were doing was wrong, so wrong. But I didn't care, somehow I felt that that would've been the last time his hands would've taken me to heaven and mine would've touched his. I don't regret it.
After we had orgasm, I didn't turn away and turn my back on him, I hugged him.
He stroked my back gently and reassured me by repeating that everything would've been okay. I loved him like never before in that moment. Although I just asked him to take a break, touched him after saying we shouldn't have, he was there for me. I realized for the first time that he really loved me; what he felt for me was not just a strong feeling, but true love. When you love someone you would go out of your way to allow them to be happy, and he did. Actually, I didn't think much about him when I made this decision, because it was obvious that he wouldn't have been happy at the time, but I knew that thinking about it he would've realized what was best for both of us. We made the right choice.
On New Year's Eve we went to a stupid party of one of my friends and Kath's. I didn't sit on his lap while we drank and laughed sprawled on the sofas, I didn't kiss him, I didn't hold his hand... we were just together. It seemed like one of those naive and timid premeditated high school dates. I felt like a little girl, not the woman I felt when I was in bed with him in our house.
The days after the last touch — as I dubbed that night — we slept together anyway. We fell asleep detached, without touching each other, but in the morning I found myself each time in his arms. In sleep we always ended up hugging each other.
On January 4th we returned to Los Angeles. On the plane we weren't seated side by side because Hero made the ticket after me. Every now and then he came to see me to stretch his legs and asked me how I was. He was sitting a few seats behind me; I had a seat in the left aisle side seats, he too but was in the right ones.
I turned towards him poking my head out, and I met his eyes... he was looking at me and smiling, then he showed me a thumbs up and I burst out laughing.
During the three hour stopover in Sydney we ate something at Burger King and wandered around a few shops, without buying anything. Some girl stopped us to take a picture and she asked us, "Are you dating?"
Hero looked at me and shook his head.
"Oh, no. We're here for business reasons," I replied with a smile.
We still weren't too well known for not being able to travel without bodyguards, but someone knew who we were.
We waited at our gate in silence. I read and he fiddled on Instagram for a bit out of boredom. I looked up from the book and looked at him. He met my gaze and remained silent with a half smile on his lips and that dimple on his right cheek. How I wanted to kiss it.
We were in a somewhat awkward silence, neither of us knew how to break it, so I focused again on Tessa's thoughts so as not to mind mine. I was already finishing the first book.
We boarded the plane, we would've had to face thirteen long hours of flight. This time my seat was between the ones in the middle, while his was still on the right.
I started reading again and I was done. I was in tears, but I was in public and I kept myself from sobbing.
Hero turned back — now he was the one who was a few seats ahead — and seeing me cry he mimed "Are you okay?" with his lips.
I showed him the book and simulated a heart that breaks with the hands. He laughed and went back to look straight ahead.
I had After We Collided handy so I could start reading it right after. The story was so compelling that I couldn't stop reading. There was a lot more in Hardin and Tessa's story than I believed, really a lot more. After a while I fell asleep and woke up only when they were serving food. I had slept five hours, there were four hours left on arrival.
Then I remembered the fact that when we got there I would take my stuff and go to Anna, and I frowned. So I kept reading so as not to think about my problems but Hardin's.