Behind The Scenes

67. Hero

Almost a month later.

It is ten days before Christmas and I have not yet taken the tickets to London. My mother reminded me several times, but I didn't move a muscle. Fuck, I don't want to go, maybe that's why. I'll call her later, now I have to take a shower.
This shower... reminds me of so many things. Everything in this house makes me miss her. There is silence in this bathroom, except for the sound of the water running over my shoulders. With her in here our laughter always echoes. But now... there is absolute stillness, it is so quiet here that I am fully convinced that the world is doing it to me on purpose — leaving me in silence, driving me crazy, letting my fears make fun of me, more and more. We didn't break up, it's just that I am all the time afraid that it could happen at any moment. I try hard not to mess up, but the thread that holds us together is so thin and fragile that it doesn't take much to break it. And putting it back together takes a huge effort.
I know this is self-destruction, I know it well. But let me think about Josephine until it becomes unbearable, to the point that my skin burns and screams because I miss her so fucking much. The feeling is indescribable, it's like my guts are fighting every part of me to get out of my throat, leaving me as empty as I am without her, and yes, the whole thing is darker than it seems. It hurts like hell and it's just my imagination.
I've heard less of her in the last few days, she's been busy with her family, and this destroys me even more. What if she doesn't want to come back here? I can't go and live in Australia, which is who knows how many fucking miles away from England. I couldn't even if I wanted to.
I don't want to go to London for Christmas, I would just bring sadness in the air. I don't feel at all in the Christmas mood that I should have at this time and that I normally have. It sucks, here's the truth.
I have to tell my mother.
I call her and she answers after a few rings with a tired voice, I had forgotten that at this time it's almost midnight there. "Hero, honey, what are you doing?"
I'll get right to the point. "Good. I wanted to tell you that I'm not coming for Christmas..."
She's silent for a few seconds. "Why?" she says disappointed.
"I'm not in the mood at all, I would only bring sadness between you and I don't want to ruin—"
She interrupts me. "Why don't you go to her if you miss her so much?"
Huh? "What?"
"Yeah, I mean, surprise her. You would give her the best Christmas present."
Shit, she's right.
"Do you think I can do it?" I ask her.
"Obviously! You know her sister, don't you?"
"Yeah."
"So get organized with her and tell her not to talk to Josephine about this, it's simple."
It's true. Did I mention that I love my mother?
"Mom, I love you, bye," and I immediately end the call. Maybe I closed the phone in her face, but now I don't care.
I get out of bed to get my computer. I have to get the tickets now.
I'll leave on December 22, so when I get there it will be Christmas Eve. I'll be around until eleven at night and at midnight on the 25th I'll make my appearance at her home, surprising everyone — except Kathrine, to whom I've already explained everything, she made her promise not to open her mouth.
Oh my God, how nice. I feel much more relieved now that I know I'll see her, in person. I wouldn't have lasted another month.