Behind The Scenes

76. Jo

My God, I can't rest easy. I feel too hot. My skin is burning.
"Hero..." I call him, but he doesn't wake up. "Hero," I shake him.
He slowly opens his eyes.
"I feel burnt. Am I burned?" I show him my back.
"Yes, a little, but you'll be fine," he turns away.
If I'm on my back everything hurts, so I'll lie on my stomach. I also feel like I've eaten too much. My stomach gurgles and the food goes up and down my throat. I think I have to throw up. Yes, definitely yes.
I jump up and go to the bathroom. I raise the toilet seat, kneel in front of it, and begin to throw down everything I ate today.
I cough quite hard, in fact Hero comes running after a few minutes.
"Hey hey! What the hell...?" He takes my hair and holds it in his hand as usual, even though I think it's already dirty. "What happened?"
"I've... I've eaten too much."
He is breathing heavily. "You sure?"
"Yes, I think that's why..."
He's worried. "Last time..." he begins, "before yesterday I mean, did we use a condom or did you take the pill?"
I try to remember. "A condom, if I'm not wrong." I get up and go to rinse my mouth.
"It hasn't— When is your period supposed to come?"
Oh my God, true. Fuck.
My eyes widen.
"Jo, look at me," he raises my chin with two fingers forcing me to look at him. "Did you get your period?"
I shake my head. "It's delayed."
He runs a hand through his hair. "Oh shit..."
Now that I think about it, it's late by...
"How late is it?"
"About twenty days..." I look down. I feel like crying.
"What?" he says, shocked. "Why didn't you tell me?" he blurts out.
"I didn't... I didn't notice until now."
"Oh my God, Jo," and he paces back and forth across the room.
"Why are you doing so? Calm down," I move towards him but he pushes me away. What the...?
"Because— Don't you understand?"
I look at him confused and slightly irritated.
"You know how much I would like to be a father, right? But not now," he pauses. "Having a child now would ruin all our plans."
I tilt my head to one side and raise my eyebrows, and sarcastically say, "What are our big plans, huh? Tell me."
"I..."
I pretend a laugh. "Do you want to marry me, so you can be sure that I'll be yours forever and take me somewhere to live like some teens? Is this your big plan?"
He looks at me, and with that look I can see how big his fear of losing me is. "No, it's just that... we're too young to give a child the life he deserves. You still have many dreams to fulfill, and so do I. It's just... too soon, that's it."
"Well, okay. But if I'm really pregnant, what will we do?"
He comes over and puts his hands on my hips. "Nothing, we won't do anything at all. We will simply be happy, right?"
I hint a smile and kiss him. "Yeah, I think yes."
I go to the bathroom to get some aloe vera cream and undo my bra. "Hero, can you come a minute?" I call him.
He arrives after a few seconds. "Yes, here I am... Oh holy shit," his chin almost touches the ground when he sees me.
"I just want you to put this on my back, do it gently please."
He bites his lip and smiles. "Very gladly." He puts some on his hands and begins to spread delicately.
I take a quick breath when he first touches me because this cream is frozen.
"You okay?" he asks her.
I nod. "Gently, please."
He continues without making me feel a minimum of pain.
"Jo," he says as he hands move up my back.
"Tell me."
He sighs. "You know I fully agree to have children one day," he repeats "but not now, that's all."
"I know."
"So later on, we'll just decide together, okay?"
I chuckle. "Sure. It's not like I tried to frame you, that seems obvious."
He doesn't say anything.
I turn to him and look down. "Wait..." I frown and cross my arms over my breasts "you don't think that every time I took the pill it was to frame you... right?"
He doesn't look at me, he doesn't speak.
Is absurd...
"Hero, are you serious? Really?"
He is always silent, not a word.
I'm going to get one of his T-shirts from the suitcase, because his are wider.
"You know I took it every time. I'm the first not to want a baby now. How could such a thing cross your mind?"
"I... didn't mean that, babe..." he manages to say.
It makes me laugh. This situation is ridiculous. "Yes instead. And by calling me babe" I mimic quotation marks with my fingers "you don't ease the situation."
"Jo, I meant that—"
I interrupt him, "Please, no. I don't want one of the usual excuses."
I sigh and lie down on the bed again.
He also lies down and I hear him approach from behind to hug me.
"Hero, I'm tired, please leave me alone," my voice breaks on the last words and tears start to streak my face.
What if I'm really pregnant?
My life will be... not ruined, but different from what I wanted it to be. I don't feel ready to raise a child. I agree with Hero that it's too early, but I can't stand the fact that he thought I could have framed him in something like this... it's crazy.
It's always like this, it's a repeating cycle, a vicious circle. We find a balance, we get along for a long time without problems, and then the balance is broken, we find a compromise, the balance returns and so on.
It's tiring. I don't mean to say I need a break... but I need a break.