Behind The Scenes

30. Hero

When I speak my tone is firm and convinced, but in my head those words don't make sense, because I know it will be difficult if not impossible. One bullshit was enough to destroy us, billions of bullshit will happen and I can't go on like this. It's true that she's forgiven me for a far worse thing, I know. I would forgive her, but I know that this is better for both of us, co-workers, and nothing more.
"But... why do you say that?" she says disappointed putting her hand on mine.
I take my hand away. "It's better this way, trust me," I reply coldly.
"No no, Hero, it's not better this way. You don't want this, I can see it in your eyes, and neither do I. Please let's solve this thing..."
"Yes, you're right, neither of us wants it, but it's better for both of us."
She lowers her gaze, then looks me in the eyes again and brings her face slightly closer to mine, but she's far enough away that I can't hear her breathing.
I look away and go back to eat.
"Hero... look at me, please," she says in a broken voice.
I still refuse to look at her and she bursts into tears.
"I know! I was wrong to do what I did, but can you look at me? Do I make you so sick by that stupid kiss that you don't want to look me in the face?" she pauses. "Hero, look at me," she sobs.
I turn around and turn my gaze to her.
"No, you don't make me sick, that's the problem. If you would have made me sick at this time, I wouldn't be here to take care of you when you are ill, to prepare you food, to host you here despite everything, to listen to you and tell you that we must close for the good of both!" I take a deep breath.
She listens to me in silence and a few tears line her cheeks.
I continue, "It's easy to understand why I'm still here with you, you should figure it out for yourself... go on, say it."
"Because... because you love me?"
Christ, she got it. Is it so little noticeable?
"That's right, fuck..." I take my head in my hands.
When she closes her eyes, two big tears roll down her neck. She sniffles. "And I'm here for the same reason, if it wasn't like that I would be with that boy maybe and instead I'm here... with you."
If we are together today it is not her will, she bumped into me purely by mistake.
"It wasn't you who wanted to see me, I was home, you didn't expect it and boom" I simulate a bomb exploding with my hands.
"You're right, but I didn't leave, I stayed here to eat with you and I can stay until tomorrow if you want..."
Of course I want her to stay.
I get up and go and sit on the sofa with my beer can in hand. "That fact always remains, Jo," I say quietly.
"Hero, how can I tell you that I was wrong and that I'm sorry? I can't help but apologize!" She comes and sits next to me. "Tell me two things: what does your head say to do with me?"
Why these questions? I don't want to answer.
"Answer."
"The head? Well, my head says to let you go forever and try to start from scratch, just being co-workers. Now that you've got your answer, anything else?"
"Second thing: what is your heart telling you?"
Good question, but even for this I know the answer.
I close my eyes as I search for the right words, massage the back of my neck and moisten my lips.
"The heart says very different things..." I say softly, as if I don't want to be heard.
"And what does it say?" Jo urges me to continue.
"It... it wants to hold you close, kiss you, keep you company when you get bored, take care of you, cuddle you, make you happy... but how can I make you happy? You only make me happy with a smile and I... Do I make you happy?"
Shit, I melt too easily with this girl... I can't be tough on her.
As I said these words she blushed.
"Sure! Of course you make me happy" she takes my face in her hands. "Don't think about what I want, because if I'm here and I'm begging you to forgive me it's obvious. Think about what you want. What do you want?"
I bring my face close to her and lean my forehead against hers. She closed her eyes.
"I want you... Jo, I love you to death, I swear."
She is smiling with her eyes closed. She is beautiful.
"I love you too."
"I'm a mess... and you—"
"We're both a mess, and we're a beautiful mess together," she opens her eyes, she looks at me and giggles.
"Fuck it," I whisper of her and kiss her with transport taking her face in my hands.
Her tongue finds its way into my mouth and it searches for mine. It touches me and I follow its movements. Jo's hands touch my shoulders and she makes me lie down on her, I hold on to my hands.
I stop kissing her and start giving her a hickey on her neck where she shows herself. She breathes heavily and smiles as she strokes my hair.
"It's crazy how I missed you so much, we haven't talked to each other for a night and a..." I lift her shirt and kiss her whole belly "and one morning and I already need you..."
"It's the same for me."
I reach the button of her jeans, I look at her as if to ask her permission to take them off.
She nods and raises her hips.
She is dying to do something or have something done.
"I want to do something to you, maybe you've already tried it in your life... but nobody does it like I do..."