Behind The Scenes

36. Jo

"So, guys," Anna begins, "have you clarified?"
"I think so." Hero replies immediately with a smile and puts a hand on my thigh.
I barely smile.
We'd made it clear, were it not for the fact that I knew that he has told more than necessary to Jess about us. Now that... I shouldn't say it, she knows how weak we can be and she knows that it doesn't take much to destroy us. She still wants him, and as if that weren't enough she quickly told me about their first time together. Fuck it. I feel exploding inside, I'd like to keep this to myself, I want to avoid trouble, but I don't know how long I'll last. I'm not one who knows how to pretend to be indifferent to the things that touch me.
"Anna, do you want to see the dress?" I ask her when we finish eating.
"Yes! Let's go."
We go up, I feel more comfortable there.
"But it is beautiful!" she exclaims as I take it out of the envelope. "What is it here?" she notes the pharmacy envelope.
"Noth—"
"That's a Clearblue..." she cuts me off. "Jo, are you okay? How have you been these days?"
"Well..." and here I feel the food rising up my throat. Fuck. I run into the bathroom with one hand to my mouth.
Anna follows me into the bathroom. "Hey hey!"
With a cough I throw up everything I ate today... I'm tired of feeling like this.
"Anna... why am I so sick?"
"It's the first pill you take in your life, it's normal. Unless it worked and... well, you know, but it's unlikely."
I sigh. I'm throwing up again. "Call Hero."
She goes to call him and in the blink of an eye Hero is up. "Jo! Are you okay?" he ties my hair with a hair band that he had on his wrist. "No, of course not..." he sighs.
I'm sorry that he has to go through all this with me, but only with him can I reassure myself.
Today is worse than the other days, I can't stop, I keep throwing up, I'm also shaking. "Hero..." and I start to cry in sobs.
"I'm here, shhh." He kisses my head. "Calm down, take a deep breath..." and we inhale together, but when I exhale I throw up again.
"I'm sorry..."
"No no, it's okay."
"You have to... you always have to suffer this disgust... and... and it's not fair," I cover my face with my hands, in tears.
He hugs me sitting on the ground with me. "No, don't be sorry. I'll always be there, even in these moments, okay? "
I nod as tears roll down my face.
I don't care what he did in the past, before me, not anymore. There's no point in continuing to blame him for certain things. I know he was a different person, but I feel he's changing, or at least he's trying.
"Have you calmed down?" he asks, still holding me in his arms.
"A little, but my head's spinning."
"Okay, wait..." he helps me up and walks me to the sink. "Wash off and I'll take you to bed."
Once done, he takes me in his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist and puts me on the bed. I get under the sheets and he lies next to me taking off his shirt.
"I'll keep you company," he says, untying my hair. He hugs me from behind and when he places his hand on my belly I shiver thinking about certain things.
I can't rest like that. I turn to him and put my head on his chest, I can feel his heart beating... I hint a smile.
"Hero."
"Yes?"
"Thanks, I love you."
He says it much more often than I do, when I say it it means a lot to him.
Compared to me, he always tells me how he feels about me, I rarely do it.
When he hears those words he smiles and kisses my forehead. "I love you so much too." He moves a strand of hair behind my ear and continues stroking it until I fall asleep.

"Mum mum!" George calls me from his room.
"Honey, what is it?"
"I want to assemble legos with dad!" he exclaims happily.
I'm going to call Hero, he's in the kitchen.
"Hey, what are you doing? Your son is looking for you," I inform him.
"Tell him I'm coming, I'm making him a snack."
I smile.
"Are you two hungry?" he says and comes to hug me from behind, putting a hand on my baby bump and kisses my neck.
"Mhm... yes. I want strawberries! "
"But... it's October..."
I pat him on the shoulder. "I'm kidding, stupid. I don't know, prepare me what you want."
"Hey, are you okay?" he asks me when he sees me holding up at the counter.
"Yes, she's awake, I guess."
The little girl gives another kick and...

I wake up suddenly with a void in my chest, heavy breath and hands on my stomach. I had a dream, it seemed so true that... I don't know.
"Jo, what are you doing? Are you okay?" Hero wakes up and looks at my hands.
I put my hair behind my ears. I turn to look at him and smile at him. "Yes. Yes, I'm fine, it was just a dream. "
"Sure?" he asks worried.
"Yes, yeah, really. Let's go back to sleep. Hug me," I crouch down on him and kiss him.