Behind The Scenes

90. Jo

I wake up with a dry mouth. I wet my lips.
Anna is awake, she is watching a movie. She pauses it. "Hey," she tells me.
"Hey. Is there any water?" I ask her.
She looks for a bottle in her backpack and hands it to me.
Um... "Anna... I can't drink without putting my lips on it." Every time I try, all the water falls on me.
"Oh my God," she chuckles. "Drink, don't worry."
Okay. I was dying of thirst.
I return her the bottle thanking her and she puts it back in her backpack.
She takes off her headphones and alternates her gaze from me to Hero, who is sleeping with his head propped against the window.
"Do you have to tell me something?" I tell her, seeing her thoughtful.
"What are your intentions?" she asks me.
I sigh. "I... actually, I have no idea."
I know what I want... but what if he doesn't want the same? What if this return will simply bring us back and forth?
"Do you think he still loves me?" I'm an over thinker, the paranoia will soon start to make its way into my mind.
She hints at a smile. "I can't tell that, but it's clear that both of found each other attractive. You feel something for each other again, this is obvious."
I love her, she is so straightforward and sincere. She is the best friend I could ever have.
I lean my head back and look at my hands. I want to know what she would think of a possible return. "Anna."
"Tell me."
I take a breath before opening my mouth again. "Do you think if we were to get back together it would work?" I say all in one breath.
She thinks about it for a few moments. "Josephine, you know I adore you, you are a beautiful couple, but you each have your own challenges..."
Well, this, I must say, is already very encouraging...
"If you have the strength and courage to face them together and learn to communicate well, as it should be, maybe something good could come out of it."
Ugh. Why isn't life all plain sailing? Why can't we enjoy an "and they lived happily ever after"? I think we must first deserve it, improving ourselves for each other. I want to be better for him, but first of all for me, as a life lesson.
"Do you think it's worth it?" I ask, turning my gaze to her.
She looks me in the eyes, with the gaze of a mother. "Why not? Just try."
We remain silent for some time.
"I don't think we could become simple friends again, after what we went through together..." I say suddenly, almost to myself.
Anna looks at me, understanding.
"If we remain friends... either it never started, or it never ended."
"You both know it's not over. You took a break, remember?"
Yes, I remember... I nod.
"What if I want to decide to end it here?"
She frowns. "Jo, what are you saying?"
Yes... that is, imagine: we decide to end it but we remain friends. I couldn't live knowing that it isn't over after all — because I know it has begun."
It would be a torture to live with the knowledge that I still love him, without being able to tell him.
"Take it easy. You are confused right now. I know you don't want to close it here, so stop talking nonsense." She takes my hand. "Just tell me one thing: are you still in love with him?"
I don't even need time to think about it before answering: "Yes, I love him."
She smiles. "Then try to fix this mess in your head. I trust you."
"Me too. I hope not to regret it, really." I untie the ruffled ponytail and make another one.
"No, you won't," she tells me, and then to the loud speakers they announce the start of the landing.
When the woman at the microphone stops speaking, Hero leaps into the air.
"What happened?" he asks worried and with his eyes still half closed.
It makes me laugh. "Nothing, we're about to arrive."
He gives a sigh of relief. "Long last!" He widens his belt a little and rests his head on my shoulder. "A bed would be eight thousand times better but I'll settle for Josephine Langford's bony shoulder," he jokes and laughs.
"What a fool you are," I shake my head.
He closes his eyes and Anna looks at us, then she gives me a proud smile and shows me a thumbs up.
I smile at her.
Hero suddenly takes my hand, his is frozen. I hold it tightly and he intertwines his long fingers with mine. After a while he falls asleep again and loosens his grip.
This everything I fear, want and need: him.