Behind The Scenes

79. Hero

After that discussion and those crying, Jo had calmed down, had taken a shower and in the meantime her parents had returned.
"Jo?" Kathrine asked.
I replied that she was upstairs.
She nodded and climbed up.
I was on the sofa repeating to myself "What a shitty Christmas" over and over.
At eight I went up to Jo's room and we didn't say a word other than "Goodnight" before falling asleep. She had her back to me. I struggled to hold back not to hug her. She said we don't even have to touch, because we all know what would happen if we just touched each other.
"Merry Christmas," I told her later.
She turned to me, because she was probably more comfortable on the other side and she whispered, "You too. And thanks for the surprise you made me," she added then.
"Do not mention it."
I've been thinking about that thing. I had moved from one end of the world to the other for her and this was what I was reciprocated with. Not that I demanded anything, but I didn't want that at all.
We're breaking up slowly, I thought, and it hurts more.
I closed my eyes and until I fell asleep I saw her gray-blue eyes looking at me curiously. They were reduced to two slits, because at that moment her smile reached her cheeks. It was a real smile, that.
When she turned on the light around midnight, I peeked to see what she was doing. She was reading. She needed distractions I suppose, she couldn't sleep. She underlined a few sentences with a pencil, which she held between her teeth, and she folded that page to remember it. Who knows what she was underlining...
I didn't sleep until, after about two hours, she turned off the light. She was again lying on her side towards me. We were face to face at that moment. I opened one eye and she was already asleep, I took the opportunity to look at her face under the dim light of the moon that came through the window.
I put a lock of her hair behind her ear and as if by instinct she smiled slightly.
I had fallen asleep, then woke up in the middle of the night to find her on me. We were as tangled as ever, as hadn't happened in a month. I felt bound to her, as we did every time we happened to be in this weird position: her legs between mine, her hands and her head on my chest, while my nose sinks into her fragrant hair. I didn't realize how beautiful and unique was that simplicity until then.

Now my eyes are open and she is always hugging me. When I yawned she moved a little to settle down in my arms and she sighed.
"I will miss you..." she murmurs with her eyes closed, in a sleepy voice. "But you know too that we need this break."
I nod with a sigh. "I know."
As bad as it will be, she's right, we need it.
"Sorry..." she moves and turns away.
"It's okay," I just felt a punch in my chest.
Suddenly I hear her sobbing.
I approach to hug her from behind her but she turns and hugs me before I can. Her tears wet my skin.
"Hey..." I tell her.
She sniffles before speaking. "I know it's the right thing, but it's hard, okay?" she says in a shrill, broken voice.
"True, but we must at this point. Look how we have reduced..."
Now I too feel I need a break. It's like a drug, like we're going to rehab, and it's going to be hard to get out and change our lifestyle. Maybe I'd rather die of an overdose but... I don't want to die. I want to be reborn and start my life again in the best way. I want to be the seed planted in the earth, and she'll be a beautiful rose that will bloom slowly, that will not wither, and I'll be her roots. It will take time, a lot of care and patience, but we'll blossom together like never before.
She moves away one more time. "Sorry again."
I tried to resist, but I couldn't. I put my hand on her cheek to wipe away her tears with my thumb. "You know that despite everything I will always be there, no matter if we are together, if we are on break, or broken up. Whenever you need me, I'll be here for you."
She gives a hint of a smile. "The same is for me. I know it may seem like we're breaking up, but whatever happens you will always be in my heart..."
The fragments of my heart have melted into a homogeneous liquid, and I hope it will become solid again over time.
I nod, with a slight smile on my lips.
The desire to kiss her is so great. Those lips of hers, wounded in that half smile, do nothing but repeat to me "kiss me" like a chant. Our faces are so close. If I had glasses her breath would mist up the lenses.
She puts a cold hand on my face and I gasp slightly. She caresses my cheek with her soft fingers. Her smile has suddenly become nostalgic, it almost seems as if she is saying goodbye.
I close my eyes and let myself be lulled by the sweetness of those caresses. It is a caress to the heart, to the soul. It is hard to explain.
I hear the rustle of her body approaching me. My nose touches her, they brush. I open my eyes slightly, only to realize how close she actually is to my face.
Our lips now also touch, tickle each other. After a few seconds she backs away, she feels guilty about what she was about to do.
I try... but I can't not do it.
I kiss her.
She reciprocates. She puts her hand on the back of my neck and continues to give me a couple of simple kisses. She licks her lips and looks me in the eye. She kisses me again, and this time with tongue. This makes me understand that she does not regret having reciprocated. Or at least, not yet.
Shit... my friend who lives in my boxers woke up.
"Baby..."
I saw a shiver run through her body. She has always loved when I call her 'baby', and then I have a hoarse voice so I suppose that makes it all the more exciting.
"Will you promise me it will be just a break and that things will be better than before?" I continue.
"I can't promise you, but I hope so."
I knew she would've answered like that, but I hoped.
She gives me another light kiss. "Anyway..." her hand runs under the sheet "we're doing wrong."
"To do what?"
She bites my lip slightly and I'm surprised. "To do this." Her hand is getting closer and closer to my boxers, I feel it. She touches my sex gently and I shiver.
I also run my hand on her belly, covered by my blue shirt. I lift it slightly to caress her skin just above the edge of her panties.
Her lips part to take a quick breath. "What... what are you doing?" she says exhaling.
I moisten my lips. "The same thing you're doing..."
Her hand is in my boxers and his fingers wrap my erection.
I said that if we just touched each other something would happen.
I gently pinch her clitoris and she winces. "Oh..."
She starts moving her hand at a slow pace. A finger of mine just entered her when she kisses me to stifle a moan.
"It's all so wrong..." she whispers with heavy breathing. "But I don't want to stop now."