Changed Since Texas / Post Malone

4.5

Charlie's POV

It's been two weeks since I left Dallas and it's been the hardest two weeks of my life. I spent most of the days immediately following my return home sitting in my room crying and sleeping, my parents willingly watching Austy until I felt like I could bear to look at him without thinking about his Dad. I know it sounded awful, but every time I looked at him I just wanted to cry. I knew that I was not in the right frame of mind to be the Mom that I needed to be for him right now and made the decision that being away from him was better than being with him, having him wonder why Mommy always cried.

Jodie was checking in on me everyday to make sure that I was doing okay. Given her empathetic personality, she was just as upset as I was if not more for what Austin had done to me. She apologized daily and told me that even though he and I may not be together that she will always consider me like her daughter, the words bringing more tears to my eyes. I loved Jodie and Rich just like my own parents, and I respected the fact that they were calling to check in on me. But, I didn't have the heart to tell them that hearing from them was only bringing Austin to the forefront of my mind.

However, I guess it was something that I was going to have to get used to, given the fact that Austy had to have someone be a part of his life that was in connection with his Dad, since Austin made it quite clear that he was not interested in our son even in the slightest. Thinking back on it, I think that is what hurt me the most. I had always thought that Austin was going to be an amazing Dad, loving and caring for his child, always doing what was best for them and making sure that he was being the best version of himself for them. But, his true colors showed the night he came to the house. He didn't do more than give him a sideways glance even as Austy was holding his hands out for him calling his name.

I took a lot of steps to recovery in the last two weeks, after I dug myself out of my hole of perpetually crying and sleeping for the first few days. I took small steps, apologizing to Casey for what I had said to her, but still making it quite clear that I would not be in attendance at her wedding. I showered her with my congratulations and told her that I was beyond happy she had even considered me to stand up with her on her wedding day, but given the current situation that I was in the middle of dealing with I didn't feel like pretending to be happy at a wedding was the right therapy that I needed. Afterall I was more of a wallow in silence kind of girl when it came to these things.

Not to mention the fact that I knew Austin was going to be there for Mark. I'm pretty sure that he hadn't changed his mind about that being that they were such great friends. Plus, I didn't want to risk seeing him bring Ashlen there which I knew was very probable since he had her over his house the last time I had talked to him. That would be like rubbing salt in a wound.

I had also read the message from Austin that he had sent me the night that he called me drunk, coming home from whatever club he went to to wash away any thoughts of us. I read and reread the message about one hundred times over, tears falling from my eyes until I couldn't cry anymore. I wanted so badly to forgive him, to call him and tell him that I understood all of his actions. That I understood why he left me, why he didn't want to see his son. I wanted to tell him that I understood it all, but I needed to think about what having him in my life was doing to me.

I realize what I would be giving up if I decided that I didn't want him in my life anymore. I would be losing a friendship that was 16 years in the making. I would be losing a piece of me with him as he was the only one that I had ever really truly loved. I would be taking one of the most important people away from Austy, leaving him with only the memory of how he acted towards him the day that he found out he existed, and most importantly I would be taking out my heart letting it rest someone in the corner of my chest to collect dust knowing that it would never feel love again.