Liquid Luck [Sirius Black]/editing

Chapter 134

Sleep is rare, and short when it does happen. Hunger is meaningless. I haven't eaten a bite in four days, the whole length of time I've been overstaying my welcome at Duke and Alo's.

Shame and hurt. An alternation between the two emotions twist together inside me. Every day I wake up having exactly three seconds where I don't remember. The only three seconds of my day when my heart isn't in pain. After the three seconds come the tears, and I cry until I fall back to sleep.

Duke pauses at his doorway, eyeing me with so much concern. "Is it alright with you if I send a letter back to Professor Dumbledore to let him know you're with me?" I can barely muster enough strength to shrug my shoulders. "Okay, well...I've got to go to work. Alo's home though, so if you need anything he says to just yell out for him." I remain mute. "I'll be back tonight." He gently shuts the door on his way out.

With silence comes intruding thoughts. Six years of friendship down the toilet. My first love, first kiss, first time. I lost the only man I've ever given all of me to; my heart, mind, body, and soul. How stupid could I have been to believe someone could ever really love me?

But I love him still. I love him so much I consider ending my suffering by going back to him. I'd be whatever he wants me to be if I did. I'd rather go back to being just his friend than his nothing. But what would happen when he inevitably started dating someone else? I'd die from heartbreak.

Circles and circles and circles, my mind runs. I don't think any of this matters anyway. I think I'm going to die soon.

My bladder is a burden on me. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and stand up too-fast. The floor sways beneath me, cold creeps up my body, and I'm falling falling falling...

*

When I lazily blink my eyes open, the first thing I see is a familiar mix of green and brown. Hazel eyes, warm and soft and homey. My senses are slowly coming into focus. A hand is in my hair, soothingly scratching my scalp. A voice is in my ear, whispering sweetly. My eyes clear in on him. "James? Ja..."

"Keeks, I'm here." His arms come around me. "I'm right here."

I frown in confusion. I remember getting up to go pee and then... "What happened?"

"You fainted. Duke's roommate found you and brought you to bed." James pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I was worried about you, Keeks. Padfoot told me what happened...and when I looked for you on the map and couldn't find you, I was afraid you..." He avoids my eyes. "I thought you hurt yourself. Dumbledore was as panicked as the rest of us."

I look down at my hands. My skin looks grey. I bet the rest of me looks repulsive.

"Keeks?" With two fingers under my chin, he tilts my head up. His eyes search mine. "What happened?"

"Didn't he tell you?" I whisper.

"Pad said you broke up with him for cheating, only he swears he didn't. I'm not on his side per se, but this really doesn't seem like him. The lad's obsessed with you, nauseatingly so. I suppose what I wonder is how you can be so sure? I know you. I know you wouldn't believe a rumour. So, what?"

"I..." I hesitate, but he's asking me outright and I don't want to lie to him. "I saw them."

White hot rage flashes in his eyes. "That lying piece of shit! I'm going to fucking kill him! I'm going to chop his dick off! I'm going to –" He stops when he sees the distressed look on my face. "I'm sorry for yelling, I know you hate that. I can't imagine what you must be feeling."