Pawns & Players - Sirius Black

-48-

It's quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don't do it  - Jean-Paul Sartre

The rain outside was pouring incessantly for the last few days accompanied by the dark weather while Laurel was lying on her bed, sipping her coffee and reading the worn-out book she held.

"And then he comes up to me and asks "what I'm drawing"?" The dark-skinned girl continued, turning the page of the book she read.

"Why do people assume we want to talk ?" She agreed, not lifting her head up to focus on the ancient pages between her hands.

The two fell into a comfortable silence alone in the dorm on each side of the bed they were sitting on, eating the snacks placed between them.

"Merlin" She exclaimed, reading the book's title. "What are you going through" Dorcas continued chuckling sneeringly.

"I-" She waited for a few second to think before she followed up. "Wanted to figure a few things out"

"Interesting problems they should be since the solution is-" She lifted the cover of the book to read hesitantly the title."Existentialism and Human Emotions" Finishing off with a sceptical look with her raised eyebrows and a knowing smirk.

"What ? I love Sartre ?"

She looked at her with bored eyes, raising her eyebrows like she was asking for another answer. 

"Alright, I just have to deal with a few things that I'm not used to. I usually think alone for a bit and easily get my way out of a situation but when it involves others and I don't really understand what I'm thinking-"

"Feeling" She corrected her, nodding for her to continue.

"Feeling " Laurel added, glaring at the smirking girl.

"Sirius ?" Dorcas plunged back into her story, hiding her smile from the dumbfounded girl in front of her.

"She told you ?" Her dark eyes were wide open in rage as she protested loudly.

"No, though you have to admit the two seriously aren't good secret keepers" She laughed before bringing the rest. "They squeal each time the two of you are in the same room, Marlene thinks her winks are discreet and yesterday they spent their entire night scheming their evil plan to get you two on a date" She cited her points so naturally that there certainly was more she hadn't remembered yet.

"I don't understand, I never wanted this" She sighed desperately, giving in to the girl's therapeutic voice.

"First, I would highly advise not trying to manipulate the emotions out of yourself" She laughed, tilting her head forward and pointing to the book she held with her eyes.

Nodding in understanding, she slowly put the ancient book on her bedside, lifting her head for the girl to continue.

"Why him ? You could date anyone you want, someone who could be a hundred per cent yours"

"I don't want someone to be a hundred per cent mine" She answered, thinking about it for a few seconds facing her questioning stares. "I want someone I can be a hundred per cent me while they're around me. I want someone who will love me, just for being a hundred per cent myself. Who I can love a hundred per cent even when I hate them" She let herself fall on top of her bed, humming in disappointment into her pillow.

"Is that person him ?" Her lips curled upwards warmly, awaiting her next answer curiously.

"That's my problem. I don't know. For the first time, I have no fucking idea" She met her eyes sorrowfully, and continued. "I don't know what it feels like- I don't know what's supposed to fit the criteria, and I don't know why I just can't see him like any of the others"

"Have you never- liked someone like that ?"

"I mean I have but I was young" She chuckled,  covering her front. "I had convinced myself it was because I was disgusted by her but now that I look back, spending days watching her and her family from my window for over five years was- as Marlene would call it, fruity"

"Oh my- does she know it ?"

"That I had a small crush on her ? Yeah"

"That you were born a creepy stalker ?"

"Not really"

"I can see why" She retorted casually, receiving a pillow thrown at her in exchange. "So you're telling me you, never questioned that you might've been feeling something else for him" Her sceptical voice easily gave in her stance, making her breathe deeply before answering

"I kind of knew it for a long time- that he was far from being just a friend to me, but it wasn't like I knew what he was. I ignored it, because I could, it came easier to me. He was my friend, one of the first people to actually care about me, so I went back and forth, for years. I knew he wasn't a James to me. Not even a Marlene, and if I could convince myself that it wasn't there, he would just smile stupidly and disprove me. And then I would walk in on him snogging another person" At that point, she scoffed at herself absurdly. 

"A great reminder he never had a night he couldn't sleep because of me. Not my constant voice in his head. That my eyes never lit up his days. My touch never burned him, so deep that he wouldn't let anyone touch him ever again if he could. So addicting that it would haunt his darkest dreams and lock his deepest desires"

"That I'm just as pathetic as everyone we make fun of. Just not nearly brave enough to come to terms with it" She stopped to see her expression with a prying gaze.

"So" She smiled, knowingly this time. "Is that person him ?"

"I don't know"

"Then you think too much" She tilted her head to tear her eyes away from hers and focused on the large window and the storm outside. 

"He's such a dick" She finally breathed out angrily.

"Yeah. Do you have your camera and x-rays at the ready ?"