Pawns & Players - Sirius Black

-56-

Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker ?  - Garth Nix

Her scars didn't hurt nearly as much as they looked like they would. The same small and white cuts, spread all around her neck and shoulders, some looking much older than the others.

The memories weren't painful either. In fact, she didn't remember getting half of them, or truthfully, she didn't remember most of her childhood.

Her mother laughed at the visibly bruised kids at dinner parties, contemned the parents. To her, anger was sacred. It should be embraced and cradled. Understood deeply and fed. Losing one's temper was what the weak could make out of it. She didn't pity them, she loved the superiority it brought, knowing what she could do with it. Anger.

Losing her temper made her mask fall down. It made her send howlers, yell in front of other people, let them see what was going on behind closed doors. 

That wasn't her, that wasn't what she did.

No. The most painful thing about them was the ultimate question, the only one that ever mattered.

Why 

They couldn't touch her. Both used the spell just to call, face, make her face them. Unless it was with the tip of their finger to pinch or pull, her own parents couldn't touch her. Was it disgust ? Anger ? Indifference maybe.

That one spell. That one fucking spell she just couldn't memorize.

She dragged her fingers off the new purple bruises covering the small scars, getting up uncomfortably from the bed she was laying on. She remembered.

Rushing to get out of the white robes Madam Pomfrey had probably changed her into, she paced, limping out of the Hospital Wing to face her worried friends.

"James I'm so sorry" Her voice was low as she tried to get her back straight, and gave up from the pain she felt.

"Are you okay ?" He nearly jumped towards her, ignoring what she just said.

"The Snitch was right in front of me I-"

"I told you that game is stupid- I can't even understand why Dumbledore still lets it be played" Lily started lecturing her, just as she did each time she was angry or stressed.

"Why were you all waiting here, outside of the Wing ?" She asked, hiding her disappointment that almost everyone was here.

"Well," Marlene started, laughing before bringing the rest of her sentence. "We were actually in there but we might've laughed just a bit too loudly"

"What was so funny about a half-dead me ?" 

"It wasn't really the dead, but the alive part" Remus started. "Especially a drugged you"

Now, it all made sense.

"Mummy James and daddy Lily love you" Marlene teased her, with the others joining in.

"Grandpa Remus would've loved you more if he didn't have to sing you lullabies for two hours straight" 

"Speak for yourself Moony. I'm ready to assume my responsibilities as a mother. After all, I learned from the best" James interrupted him enthusiastically, tributing to Mrs. Potter.

She stood there for a few more minutes as they all chatted. If she didn't know for a fact that all of them would make fun of her, she would have asked the question long ago.

After all, he wasn't obligated to be here, of course, but she couldn't keep herself from wondering where he was, and be slightly hurt if she had the right to.