Pawns & Players - Sirius Black

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We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be - May Sarton

Waiting for Slughorn to enter the classroom, she was yawning and rubbing her eyes, recalling the events from a tough last night.

Lily had simply caught a minor cold and had a slight fever which she was taking care of easily before a certain James Potter had barged into their room worriedly and taken three whole hours to leave.

Usually, either she or Sirius would've sat next to her but since the whole Regulus incident, they weren't really on speaking terms, and both of them were too prideful to make the first move.

Suddenly, she felt a strong hand place itself on her shoulder making her spin her head around.

"Hey, is this place taken ?" The boy asked with a wide smile spread across his cheeks.

Indicating with her hand for him to sit, she replied. "Hey Rosier, how have you been ?"

"I'm alright. Why aren't you with your boyfr-"

"Hello ladies and gentlemen, excuse my tardiness, I was having a hard time trying to- well whatever now. Open your textbooks and silently read page 63 please"

Swiping through the pages with ease, she lifted her head, staring at the tattoo on the boy's wrist. "Nevermind that. What's up with the whole Death Eater thing? What happened to everything you told me, to you brother ?" She asked curiously.

"I didn't have a choice. People were threatening my family. My father's job and our whole family's integrity were on the line. I couldn't stand seeing my mother's desperation so I had to take matters into my own hands" Evan replied, unable to look into her eyes, pulling his shirt down shamefully.

"I get it, I do. You don't have to be ashamed. We all do what we have to do."She answered softly, but her focus shifted to the table behind the boy's head where a blonde girl was leaning over, talking about something and laughing. She seemed to have asked for Sirius's help on an assignment, but Laurel knew exactly what was going on.

Nobody asked for Sirius Black's help on a Potions project.

But the worst of it all was that Sirius seemed to enjoy the attention she was giving him profusely. He was laughing and grinning charmingly, just like he did to her.

Unable to control the heat wave of anger and jealousy washing through her, the sound of Evan's voice made her shift her gaze back to her own partner.

"You know, he really loves you" He finally got out. "I have never seen someone speak as passionately about someone as he does about you. Or beat people up so intensely for that matter, nearly the whole Slytherin team is scared of even approaching you during our games."

"You genuinely think so ?" The girl smiled gently, this time a feeling of warmth filling up her chest.

"It was last year, I think he'd seen me hug you or something. I still have the scars from that day. And I don't think he'll leave me alone today either judging from the way he's been staring at me since I sat here" Evan chuckled but quickly regained his posture. "But most importantly, I don't think I've ever seen you look at anyone like that. Hell, I don't think I've ever seen anyone look at someone like that. You really are special Laurel Alexander, and everything you try to hide and suppress is even more wildering"

"You truly know your way with words, Rosier" She grinned pleasantly.

"Learned from the best, Alexander"

-

"I see your Potions grades have gone up significantly. Did you finally start writing your own name on exams ?" Laurel laughed cheerily sitting on the younger girl's bed.

"I did actually. I don't need friends who use me like that, I can't believe I've been so stupid." Lucy answered while preparing two cups of coffee.

"Good for you, you're growing up." She answered while sipping from the cup handed to her.

The small girl then sat slowly in front of her, doubtfully parting her lips. "I've been meaning to ask you something actually." 

"Ask me anything."

"So my mum saw your name on a letter that you sent me during the summer and she completely freaked out. I never saw her like that before. She told me to stop talking to you and wrote to Professor Slughorn to change my tutor and stuff" The girl then stopped to see her reaction but continued upon noticing her blank expression. "She didn't say why but I bet it's about your family. You told me a little bit about them last year remember ?"

"Yeah. What's the question ?" She asked coldly, only now realising how much she was scared of losing her little sister and how much she truly meant to her.

"You got it all wrong, I know you, I know that you're not like that. She's just scared that's all" Lucy reassured her. "But she also started talking about your parents, told me that she used to know them. And most importantly, that they died a few months ago. You never told me that"

"I must've forgotten, but it's true" Laurel shrugged inattentively.

"How did it happen ?"

"Murder surely. They were rich and they were powerful."

"Doesn't it upset you ? Like at all ?" Lucy asked in shock, unable to fully understand her.

She nodded her head as a way of saying no, not at all. As a way of saying I fucking killed them and I don't regret it one bit.

"I don't know whether this is a good thing or not, but you have no idea how much I want to be like you. To not be bothered by anything, for nothing to hurt me. To never feel anything" 

Her sister's words cut through her like a knife and the glimmer in her eyes full of admiration dug even further.

"Luce no, don't say that" She reached for her hands. "You couldn't even imagine how much I want to be like you. To have the strength to feel everything so deeply, to care about and sense everything so freely, so bravely. To have had the courage to at least hate my parents for everything they did to me"

"You don't mean that"

"I do. Because if I had even the smallest hatred, resentment or even disgust towards them it would eventually let me forgive them, move on. Or at least prompt me to not be like them, to be better. But I can't. I can't feel anything towards them." She continued, squeezing her soft hands even harder. "You have no idea how much I want to be like you"

Suddenly, she fell on her back as the girl jumped on her, hugging her so tightly that she couldn't even breathe properly.

"I love you so much" Lucy screamed in her ears. "You're like the big sister I've never had"

So Laurel held her even harder, softly brushing her long dark hair. "I love you too Luce"