The Advice Column IV

726

Advice Request
This person's cousin is sexually harassing them.

Answered Submission
Hey!

Being a woman is genuinely tough; you go through so many disgusting and disheartening situations alone. I am sorry that you have to go through this. But I hope you have given up and gotten rid of all respect you had for your cousin because he is genuinely disgusting for what he does and has done.

I do not have any direct control to affect your situation but please I would urge you to do your utmost to stay away from him. When you’re with others and him, maintain distance and don’t make any conversation. You don’t even have to reply to him, just stare back silently if someone is urging you to talk to him. When you’re alone in your room, lock the door. If someone knocks, confirm who they are and then open. If you end up being alone in the room with him, leave as soon as possible and go to someone your trust, preferably a woman.

You could also consider covering yourself up. Hijab has nothing to do with religion—you can cover yourself even if you’re not a Muslim. Abaya is a full (mainly black-colored) cloth that you wear outside your clothes that Muslims wear when they go outside sometimes. It does give some girls a sense of security and covering from dirty eyes. You don’t necessarily have to wrap a headscarf around your hair, you can also wrap it around your neck to cover your breasts. Wear long, oversized and loose clothes if they make you feel even more safe. Women that wear more layers of clothings are also said to be left alone by street-rapists because it could end up being a hassle. You could try that as well. But please don’t think that it’s your fault for not covering up. It is never a matter of clothes. These clothes may give you a sense of security but they cannot stop men from being predatory. However, I would advise getting a headscarf around your neck, abaya or just oversized clothes as an alternative.

Tell your mother/aunts openly in public that you’re older and more mature now and would like to sleep with the women of the house rather than just mixed-gender cousins. If you say it publicly, they might consider that you’re older now and need space and it’s wrong to have a guy sleep besides you. Discuss this matter beforehand with other female cousins and tell them to say that they don’t want to sleep around male cousins either.

My first and foremost suggestion despite all these solutions would be to tell someone you trust within the family. It could be an older sister or cousin, an aunt or your own mother. You have no reason to be ashamed or scared of what has happened to you because it is not your fault. It isn’t your fault. You’re simply a victim and you no longer should bear with this behavior. So tell someone, please. This is an advice I cannot emphasize over enough. Do this, tell someone. Tell them you feel unsafe around that person and hope that you can stick with them throughout the entire time you spend at your grandparents’ home. I would genuinely be happy if you could talk about your situation with your mother and bring her trust in you that you’re hurting every time you’re around that cousin. Tell her this, convey the fact that you’re hurting because of him. It doesn’t matter if it’s her brother’s son or her own brother that is harassing you; you are her child and your harassment should not go unnoticed by your own mother. You’re simply a victim and her brother’s son is a disgusting human being.

Although I understand that it would be painful to record such harassment, if you can document it, you’ll at least have proof that you’re not lying and haven’t done anything to seduce him. Understand that the person you choose to trust and speak out to may not believe you, but with proof, they can’t deny it any longer. However, if this person doesn’t trust your words, please tell someone else. It would be preferable if the person you tell this matter about is a woman but if you have a reliable good older brother (not cousin), you should tell him too. If you maintain a good relationship with your father rather than your mother, tell him instead. Ultimately, it all depends on your strength to tell someone and it will require a lot of courage but you have to do it to get out of this situation.

Next time, and I hope there isn’t any next time, even if you’re wearing more layers or covering properly, if he touches you again, please scream. If he tries to do anything more, it’ll only be disadvantageous to you. Please scream, let your voice be heard and tell your family members that there is a sexual predator in your own family. Understand that if he does this to you, he could be doing this to his own little siblings or other cousins as well, maybe even outside the family. You being silent about the situation may create more victims. So speak, scream, cry, do whatever it takes to bring attention to the fact that he’s a disgusting person.

Please stay safe and stay with someone you trust. Use COVID-19 as an excuse for not going to the house at all if you can. Please tell someone and be vocal about the harassment; no woman should go through this. If your aunt (his mother) is a human and a woman, she should understand the torture of going through this situation and would get him away from you. Please don’t hesitate to come back for more advice.

Stay safe,
The Advice Column Team