The Advice Column IV

618

Advice Request
This person  want to know how to become closer with their best friend who is also an ex.

Answered Submission
Hello,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Breakups are really hard, especially when the person you were dating was a close friend. No one wants to lose a friend. On that note, let's get started.

First things first, I hope you two broke things off on good terms. If there is bad energy between you, then trying to rekindle your friendship is going to be all the more difficult. I won't say impossible, but it does make our chances of success reduce drastically. Either way, you're going to follow the same basic steps:

1) Give it time. Spend some "quality time apart" and take some time to heal and move on. Many relationships actually started as friendships as yours did. Maybe the romantic relationship didn't work out, but if you started as friends, it might work to go back to being just friends, but you need to give the both of you time to heal.  Take some time apart to get over the lingering romantic attachment.

2) Talk to him. This is might seem hard but it makes a big difference, sweetheart. If you can't talk to him about how you're feeling and what you want out of this shifting relationship, then you're going to be stuck waiting for him to make the first move. In a platonic sense, of course. What you need to do is sit him down, and explain to him where you're coming from. Tell him that you want to be friends again like you used to be. You want laugh and have him beside you as a friend.

3) Keep it casual. Basically, don't make it weird. Keep the conversation away from the past, and focus on the now. It's like asking to be new friends again; get to know him all over again. When you start talking/hanging out again, you may feel a strong urge to rehash the past and process the breakup. Don't do it, babe. It won't help anything. Just be yourself, as cliché as that sounds. He was friends with you before. You two DATED. He obviously liked you for you. You should keep that in mind when you start to feel yourself going overboard. He likes the person you are, so you have no need to be someone else around him. Be natural, be confident, be the friend you were to him that he was to you.

It will take time, a lot of it, for this process to be complete. It might not be easy either. It's probably going to suck seeing him around, and not knowing what to do or if you should say something. It'll hurt moving on, but it's a necessary thing, hun. If you want to be his friend again, you need to see him not as your boyfriend or your ex, but as your friend.

One more warning: Keep in mind that he might not feel the same way you do. He might want to cut ties and move on completely, and I'm not saying that will happen by any means. I'm just saying you need to remember this. We can't control how people feel. All we can do is accept it, and move on. I know this is most likely a painful prospect for you, but I know you'd be able to get through it. Besides, I don't know him or your history.

For all I know, he might come to you first and try being friendly again. I just want to make sure you understand the possibilities. I hope this helps. Come again if you have anything else!

Stay strong,
The Advice Column Team