The Advice Column IV

759

Advice Request
This person may have feelings for an online friend.

Answered Submission
Hey!

First and foremost, I feel the need to clear this up: most people on internet use baby, sweetheart and other loving terms with their friends online. While you might not, it is very common for people to use such phrases with other online friends easily. Online friends are easy to talk to, so such terms in real life might seem very affectionate but online, they end up being thrown casually.

This is not to suggest that she's not into you. However, if she is having a difficult time moving on from her ex, even if you confess and she accepts your confession, your relationship will only lead to downfall since there will be little trust between you both. I suggest asking her if she's willing to let go of her ex completely. Like is she truly ready for another relationship? Ask her that straight up. There's no need to circle around the topic. You're not confessing—you're just asking her if she's comfortable being alone or if she's ready for another relationship or if she's still very emotional over her ex.

I think the only healthy way to approach this is when and if she says she has moved on. And to be honest, moving on is very vague. You can't ever completely erase the feelings you had for a person and there is no need to compare the heart-fluttering feeling you had with your ex to the warmth and ease-giving feelings of your current lover. If you compare, there's never going to be a next relationship. Some people are also comfortable being alone and want a gap before getting into another relationship.

If you feel a very great urge to confess, you should. You have every right to and it's alright to confess. But don't ask her to reply to your confession. Tell you that if her answer is a no or maybe, you can wait until she's ready and had moved on and feel comfortable enough to be in a relationship with you. Even if her answer is yes, tell her while confessing (in the message or call) that you don't want a relationship right now.

I don't think you or her are ready for a relationship. You can confess but tell her that you don't want to hear a reply yet. That you want her to give it more thought and you yourself want to think about getting into a relationship, however since you like her, you want her to look at you as a love interest and not just as another online friend. You want her to think and yourself to think, so you're confessing but you don't need to be in a relationship just because you confessed.

You need to trust her and have more self-confidence that she likes you. And when you're confident that she likes you, you can confess again and ask her if she's willing to give an answer.

I think you should give it a little bit more time and think if you're both ready. It's alright to take days, weeks, and months. Be friends until then and relax with each other. If you truly feel like you can feel at ease with being in a relationship with her, then that's your cue to be in a relationship.

Confession doesn't always lead to relationship, you can just confess and give both of yourselves some time to think.

In short, ask her thoughts on a new relationship and about her feelings for her ex, think about confessing without asking for her reply, tell her to think about it only and let her reply when you ask her again. Be friends like usual with her until then—you can't pressurize someone. Think about if you're ready to be in a relationship with her. If yes, ask her for her reply. If not, tell her that while you might like her, you're not ready for a relationship and hope to continue being friends. You can't let her wait for you forever and you can't wait for her forever either.

I hope the situation works out in your favor but please don't feel the need to force yourself to be in a relationship. I hope you can continue to be good friends like you are right now if the answer ends up being a no.

Thank you,
The Advice Column Team