The Advice Column IV

630

Advice Request
This person was recently broken up with and is having mental health issues.

Answered Submission
Hi,

Going through a heartbreak is tough and I really don't want you to feel bad about yourself for feeling sad and down about it. It's normal for people to feel sad after breaking up or being rejected and you shouldn't ever feel like you're pathetic for being depressed about this. Your emotions are valid and it's okay and understandable to feel whatever you're feeling.

I do believe that people have a right to break up if it's interfering with their mental health. However, please don't blame your mental health for him breaking up with you. Moreover, after he said those things to you, he got into a relationship with someone else. It's alright to feel disturbed after you see that and I can only imagine the feeling of betrayal that you would feel when you first found out about it. It doesn't define who you are but it only defines his real character.

Him saying those things to you when he broke up with you are just excuses on his part. It's an excuse for him to feel less guilty for hurting you when breaking up with you. It's just his way of not seeming like the bad guy in the situation for breaking up with you. So don't feel bad for not being well mentally.

Right now, you do feel like your life has ended and it feels that way because of how things are right now with the breakup and with your current mental state. I'm not invalidating your feelings but you must know that there are still so much more ahead of your life. So please hold on okay? Hold on so you are able to grow up and build a great life for yourself so that you can smile and say proudly to yourself that you have made it. Learn from this experience and know how to be a better human.

I admit that I may not have been in the same exact situation as yours but there was a chapter of my life in high school that made me feel like there is nothing in the future for me but right now, as I look back and realize how far I've gone, I feel happy for myself.

It is harsh for your family to say that to you and I know how bad it feels to hear people say, 'Told you so' when you're hurting. But I really hope that you won't feel hopeless and will still try to connect with other people or other adults about your mental state. I urge you to contact someone that are able to help you properly with your mental state and as I've said countless times to other people before, mental illness deserves proper treatment just like physical illnesses. Please don't keep all those problems to yourself. I'm happy that you've reached out to us for this and this is a correct step that you've taken but I do hope that you will also contact a professional person that are able to give you proper ways on how to help you get better. It can be your own doctor or your school counsellor.

I can't help heal your mental illness as that is something you have to be brave about and fight against in you own manner but what I can say right now is on ways that I think might help you in moving on from him:

1. Avoid being alone or withdrawing from other people. At tough times like this, it is very important for you to have your friends by your side and to not let yourself think about your feelings for him or your breakup too much. When you're alone, you tend to think more about it and the more you think about it, the more you obsesses over it and unable to move on properly from him.

2. Cliché as it is, focus on yourself. What makes you happy? What makes you feel great after you've spent your time doing it? I always find myself feeling lighter and happier when I focus on something and then are awarded with something that I can hold and say that it's something that I make. Try treating yourself to your favorite cake, go out to an amusement park, buy tickets to an aquarium, paint or write poems. Do what you love! Learn to love yourself.

3. The part where seeing him makes it harder, there's really no perfect advice for this. Usually, what you could do is to pretend that you don't see them or distract myself with other things. Try watching a video on your phone or read funny memes. Don't glance at them every now and then. Over time, you'll become accustomed to not notice them. But what I can say confidently is that time is the best medicine in this.

I really hope everything will turn out better for you after this. It might not help much but every time I feel sad, I like to take my time and observe the nature – like how beautiful the night sky is with twinkling stars or how pretty the beach looks with its calming sound of the wave - and realize how great and wonderful everything is and I would feel a little better after it. Try finding little things you wouldn't notice before: the dust on your window, the small flowers growing, the leaves falling, the pattern on your coffee mug, the buttons of the tv remote, the feeling of your favorite slippers and pajamas, the mint flavor after you brush your teeth, the sound when it's quiet at night, the smell of your kitchen. In short: become aware. Use your five senses always. It'll help you focus on yourself and what's around you.

Giving you loads of support!
With love,
The Advice Team Column
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