The Advice Column IV

743

Advice Request
This person wants advice on how to reveal their identities to their parents.

Answered Submission
Hey!

Well, before coming out to your parents, I would suggest that you talk to your friends and ask them about why they've left you. You can talk to them individually or in a group, but if you find out the reason for why they're not talking to you, you can try and fix the problem. Perhaps it was a fault of yours that you unknowingly made or perhaps it was a misunderstanding on their behalf. If you talk it out and ask them, I am sure they'll tell you. Tell them you'll try to be a better friend. However, if you think that their reason for leaving you and not talking to you is very stupid or perhaps it's not your fault, then you can choose to quit talking to them as well. Or at least maintain some distance. Either way, whether it is your fault or theirs, be sure to find out the reason for it and then decide if you want to remain friends with them or not.

Coming out to your parents is a very huge thing. It is obviously very intimidating and requires a lot of courage. You can first slowly introduce your parents to movies and dramas that have LGBTQ+ characters, specifically transgender ones. You don't have to tell them to watch or force them to watch; you can casually invite them to the movies in the living room and watch together. Short clips or random Youtube videos that introduce transgender people and aroace people in a fun or nice manner are also good to watch. Remember the goal is to give them subtle hints, so don't show them a video like "What is transgender"— show them something like "Transgender people help a little girl." You can prepare them a little before coming out as transgender. You can give them hints and then sit down and talk about it when you feel it should be okay with them.

As for your sexual identity, I think it should be easier to come out as aroace than compared to your gender identity. I think it should be okay for homophobic parents if you don't have any romantic or sexual interest in people. Your parents wouldn't force marriage and dating upon you just because you don't like people romantically or don't feel sexual attraction. So, if you think it is easier to come out as aroace first, you can do that. And you don't have to state you're aroace necessarily, or a part of LGBTQ+, you can simply say "I don't have romantic or sexual interest in people." However, if your parents are forcing you to date, you can simply use the "I want to focus on myself first" , "I don't really like the opposite gender" , "I don't want to date, I'm focusing on my education" excuses. As long as you use the "I don't like opposite gender" (since they're homophobic, they wouldn't want you to say same gender), perhaps they'll slowly understand that you're not interested in dating and give up.

You also need to know that even if they are understanding and open-minded and end up accepting your gender identity and sexuality, there is always a chance that they'll react negatively. Hence, I wouldn't recommend coming out until you're an adult that can earn and take care of yourself independently. Coming out as a minor in a homophobic household could cause problems even if your parents love you a lot. Please think about your coming out more carefully.

In the meantime, you can make online friends that share common interests with you! The internet is more open to LGBTQ+ community and makes you feel safe. So your online friends could help you out if you're very distressed and feel bad. This way, even if your friends abandon you or your parents react negatively, you can have someone to rely on. Make good friends online that make you feel safe and I hope they'll stay by your side when you feel bad.

Please take care of yourself.

Thank you,
The Advice Column Team