The Advice Column IV

793

Advice Request
This person is nervous about being in love.

Answered Submission
Hello,
So there a few things I'd like to touch on in this response. Let's get into it, shall we?
First off, what you struggle with, the ability to experience romantic love but losing interest if the other party reciprocates, is oftentimes more of a psychological thing than anything else. Now, it may not be in your case, but I don't think you should abandon your feelings because of it. A lot of times, it can stem from a confidence issue. Basically, you like the person so much and have all these strong feelings, and then when you realize that they like you back you begin to subconsciously doubt yourself. You think they deserve more, or, more importantly, that you are not enough. Something that really leads me to believe this may be the case for you, aside from your explicitly stating that you don't think you're good enough for him, is your fear of his guy friends finding out about you. Honey, you are going about life with the belief that you are unworthy. It is bleeding into every aspect of your life, from your mental to your relationships. I'm willing to bet that the reason you're scared for his friends to know about you is because you assume they'll have bad things to say about you. That their "teasing" will be less than friendly in your regard. I know you've written to us before with other confidence-based issues as well. Darling, the first step to overcoming some of these issues (I'm willing to bet a good handful of these issues) is to build your confidence. Granted, that is not an easy thing to do. It is a slow process, and it can oftentimes feel really silly, but it is necessary! You need to be able to live your life outside of fear. 
The thing with confidence is that it starts internally. A lot of people say the whole "fake it 'til you make it" thing, but that only goes so far. It is an internal battle. That means you start the fight with you. One of the biggest (and smallest, ironically) things I did that helped me with my own self-confidence battle was engaging in positive self-talk. Basically, tell yourself that you're incredible. You are The Main Character TM in your story. You are beautiful, and intelligent, and creative, and whatever else you are or may be. You need to say it. Compliment yourself the way you compliment your friends. Treat yourself like someone you love, because that's what confidence is in its essence. Self-confidence is outward expressed self-love. So be kind to yourself. Clean your room once a week and keep your space as tidy as you can in-between because a clean space is a healthy space. Do your homework or assignments on time. Don't procrastinate because you know how much future you would appreciate having it already done. Take time to be with yourself and in your thoughts (meditation is a good thing to try, along with journaling!). Buy yourself little presents from time to time because, why not? Dive into your love languages, but this time for yourself! Learning to truly love who you are is a difficult thing for some of us, but it is entirely possible so long as you are willing to put in the work necessary to achieve it. Love takes effort whether you're loving someone else or loving yourself.

Next, talking to "Goop" on your own. That can be a very scary thing when you have feelings in the way. Unfortunately, the only thing you can really do to assuage it is to take that leap of faith and just do it. Gather every ounce of bravery you can muster and go talk to him. Fear and anxiety don't go away by avoiding things as much as our minds and bodies tell us otherwise. And sometimes we have to just push through. In the words of Will Smith, "if you can't beat the fear, just do it scared". That is a statement I wish I had heard when I was younger, and one that I am personally taking with me into this year. Because fear is a part of us. It's natural, and it's there for a reason, but sometimes the things we're scared of are necessary. Sometimes we have to do the things that scare us. Bravery is not the absence of fear, rather it is doing the things that scare us in spite of it. So go for it! Talk to him. Even if all you can start with is a simple "hi" it's better than not trying at all. And from there, you can work up to being comfortable talking to him as you continue to build up conversation time.
Lastly, your close friends. I don't think eating lunch with him sometimes is going to hurt your relationship with your friends. As long as you're not giving all of your time to Goop, it shouldn't be an issue. The issue arises when a friend stops spending time with their other friends almost entirely, because they are with their significant other or crush. Hanging out with him sometimes will not hurt your friendship as long as you are still putting in the effort for your friends as well. Like I said, love takes effort. I would suggest talking to them about it as well so you can get their perspective, as well as voice your fears and concerns to them. Communication is key in ALL RELATIONSHIPS.
I hope this helps, love. Thank you for writing us again, and feel free to keep doing so! Good luck, dear.
Stay strong,
The Advice Column Team