The Spanish Bad Ass

Chapter Seventy two: Those things actually come out of you too

A/N: I don't know why, but this chapter has two theme songs... enjoy!

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And now it's hard to breathe,
I told myself I'm not that into you.
I'm not in love it's just a game we play,
But I don't wanna sleep, and it's quarter after three.
And now it's hard to breathe,
We're skin to skin I need this spell to break,
But I don't wanna go and I hope that you know,
You're in my head like dun, dun, dara ra ra.〰️ Ina wroldsen.

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I didn't even realize when the first tear had dropped from my eye. The first of many many more, it just did.

I don’t know how long I lay there on the floor staring at the ceiling because time could be very fucking slow when it wanted to be, I couldn't move from the position I was in, I felt heavy too heavy to even move, it felt like all of my body was frozen, just like time.

I couldn’t believe it after everything, I felt like such a fool. I didn’t even realize that I was crying until I heard myself sniffing like a miserable wretch uncontrollably. My chest hurt and I thought I was going to lose my mind. I had been rolling on the ground in my sweat and tears but right now I couldn't even move a thing at all, I just felt really heavy and stupid.

When I had stormed back into my house, I had pulled the door to my room open so fiercely I almost pulled it off its hinges, I slammed it shut so hard, I might as well have caused a dent on the wall.

I paced around still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing, I still had my doubts but the realization of everything quickly flooded in. I was such a fool, such a miserable fool, I had let myself be used by that bastard, I had let my guard down for once in my life and then this happened, I was being used and all this while, when I thought I meant something to him he was simply just using me all because of a bet he had made. The bastard fucking laid a claim on me for Christ’s sake and I thought that I meant something to him, that he genuinely loved me and I was somewhat special, and then all to realize that it was a lie.

I was an emotional wreck as I kept smashing everything in sight, I wanted to move the pain away from my heart to another part of my body.  I made sure to hit my leg hard against the wall so I could numb the pain out a little but it wasn’t helping. I raised my fist to slam it against my punching bag but as soon as it made contact the electric shock passed through my hands so fast, quickly replaced with intense burning pain that I was in shock at the pain, in an instant, I recalled what the doctor had said, they were still healing and I had just sent it back a whole lot. I tried to shake the pain out but it was still there, I felt so useless I couldn't even do anything.

I fell to the ground reluctantly clutching my fist to my chest as the tears burned the side of my eyes. I tried to hold them back because I most definitely wasn’t going to be caught dead crying because of a boy, they weren't shit.

I wanted to hate Ian so much trust me I really did, but it hurt me because I didn’t hate him, I couldn’t hate him. I was in love with that bastard and that broke me down to bits. I lay there on the floor for a while temporarily distracted by the pain in my fist. There was no alcohol in the house so I couldn’t even drown myself with alcohol, I didn’t have any cigarettes either and I didn’t do drugs as well, so I had nothing, no form of escape, nothing to help me not think about the issue at hand. I tried to reach out for my knife or anything sharp so I could carve tiny marks into my skin, but I stopped myself last minute.