Atonement?

P: Questioning The Favor T:Frustarted/ Curious

January 20th 2013

Tone:Frustrated/ Curious

Intro: When you think to much...

When I think about you I feel bad

I want you and you want me

But you don't want a relationship so you offer just to hold my hand

I let it be

But then things go wrong

You want to be with me

But you can't you say

As of right now ill hold your hand

But at one point I'll have to do something

Let go

Or pull you closer

Conclusion: There's a girl named Martrina that i know. She talks about how she wants someone but not a boyfriend. I didn't understand what she's meant at first. Actually, I found out when she grabbed my hand after he movies. I I turned to look at her and then she kissed me. She squeezed my hand tightly and I held the kiss. I don't care at this point really. I mean I want to go out with someone but then after that happened as I was taking her home she explained that she didn't want a boyfriend but she wanted someone by her side. My mouth spoke for itself and I said I'd be that person if she wanted. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked if I was being serious. I sighed and looked at her once we hit a red light and held out my hand and she looked at it with confusion at first but then she weaved her fingers through mine and then when we got to her house she let go and smiled. A smirked back. She paused for a second. I seriously think a part of me just needs to not work on it's own because I'll go in the wrong direction with her if it doesn't listen to me.. I slid y hand down her arm, closed the door and held her hand while with the other I pulled her closer and kissed her. Yes, it was only a really long kiss but still... Matrina and I have known each other since junior high. I liked her back then but didn't say anything and now... I done even know lol but this happened a few something months I ago and since then she's basically been my girlfriend, just not officially. Twin doesn't even know about this. I hate hiding things but Matrina doesn't want a boyfriend because she's been hurt so many times and I know I hurt Lily. Matrinas different for sure. I think I'll just go with it and get her to trust me more i than she does. Apparently, she tells me a lot more than Luey who's hr best friend. They're rivals in band and she tells him a lot so I was surprised to find out how she already trust me. I'm contemplating though. Playing pretend only goes so far. And hiding things is really hard for me because I rather just admit it ind get it out of the way.

This brings me to Sebastien and Skyler. Skyler hates Matrina. Skyler declares that Matrina was the one who broke her friends hearts. I don't know who to believe. I think I want to go to Matrina but in a relationship both people can hurt so maybe Matrina just went out with the wrong guys. Sebastien was one if them actually. Ever since then he has talked to her less but he doesn't completely forget about her. He's still there for her when she's in a bad mood. He told her that they couldn't be together because hedidnt like the relationship and Matrina agreed so they pretty much talked it out and they went from best friends to partners to just friends.

Matrina told me that if she got another chance with him she would take it since she knows his falters. Shoot. I've ever gone out with him but I now him so well because he's my best friend of all best friends to know what he doesn't and does do in a relationship. I asked her about Skyler and she was really mad at me me night for asking. She said that Skyler has this grudge against her and she refused to talk it out. That. I know is true because Sklyer's headstrong and stubborn.

*sigh* anyway. The kiss was months ago and like I said I've basically been her boyfriend because when she feels bad she comes to me and she wants me told hold her and kiss her...

We got back from region last night and she was driving me this time. Instead of going the normal way she turned and explained that she didn't want to go home since she's grounded. She told me that she wanted to fuck someone but she said shed just go home and use her vibrator and then got o sleep. I shook my head when I heard that and said, "You have me." She parked and looked at me. At first she looked at me with a confused look. I held my hand out then. She accepted it and smiled. I ended up fucking her which is why I ant handle not being her boyfriend anymore. I mean, we've done a lot of things and now that crossed a line I haven't ever crossed. I kissed her good night when she dropped me off. I'll talk to her about it later today because it's 8:30 I'm the morning and I know she's not awake.

Ugh. Relationships. Why..?! xD