Atonement?

E: Responsibility

I've come to realize that I have a lot of responsibility. More than once has my mother asked me for something that involves art. My aunt asked me for answer and friends have asked for help. My juvenile niece always ends up running back to me, my best friend (no matter how many times me scream at each other) comes back to me, and I always find myself walking up to myself and asking myself how far I've gotten.

Skyler's trying. That's what I'm happy about. I always have her back. In fact when people ask me questions about her and they remotely mention that she doesn't want to tell them I say specifically "As a best friend I'm not allowed to tell you." It always makes that person mad but they don't realize the connection we have between each other. By far- she's my best friend and somehow she's found her way into my heart where no one else has or will ever end up in.

Matrina trust me. I hate saying this but I don't trust here the Safeway. It's really sad. She has told me everything from her insecurities to her dreams. I admit a lot of things. Little does she know my insecurity is that i don't trust anyone with everything. Actually, in this series of poems, entries, and summaries, ect... I've told you more than I would anyone else. Anyone willing to hear my story will be trusted with my story but even then. There are those insecurities in which I cannot reveal. Matrina also has worked her way into my heart. Although, I've become more to her than she has to me. At first, I thought I could the words "I love you" but in this case I can't. I have to say that "I care about you" and I will protect you but if you decide to turn your back on me, it's okay. I'm expecting it.

This is my problem. The fact that I can't trust. The fact that I rather expose rather than admit. Yes, there's a difference. When I write to you. I write to a book, I write to society, I write to 'you'-whoever that is. May you be a citizen of the United States, may you be a best friend that I wish I had but will never meet because you are known as anonymous,may be someone passing by just being curious, may you be who ever... But, I'm writing this for you-who ever you are.

I find it quite amusing. Lexus is one of our drum majors in band. I always put up the stand after Monday night rehearsals because I'm OCD. I don't do it because I want thanks. I don't do it because it's my responsibility. I do it because I can't stand seeing the, scattered all over the place. I do it on my accord and today she thanked me and gave me a hug. I shrugged and said that she was welcome even though I could care less to be thanked but really it made me think about my responsibilities and what I do without having to be asked. It made me happy. I know I'm responsible.

In fact I should mention that I second job! Honestly, it's my first true job. Although, it is temporary. Actually, it's more seasonal than anything. We have indoor football her in San Angelo. Our team is the Spurs. I could CARE LESS for it. Although, if it gives a job then hey, why not? I get to be a concession stand worker. I think. I'm not completely sure but the I started this job because of the rodeo. It was pretty funny how it started. I went to sleep at 11:45pm every day for the past three weeks because I got to walk up and down the stairs trying to sell people things. It really helps with your social skills. At the same time though... It reminds you of the true society thats out there. I'm a antisocial socialist. I love to socialize but sometimes in places where you have to be social you rather not.in the business world you learn to lie, you learn to trick, you learn to bend the truth, you learn to appeal, just to get people to buy your product. It pissed me off to no end to know that the skills work but they do. To all honesty, business workers are like physiologist-they know what to say and do to get in your head to get their product and even though physiologist just want to get in your head you'd be surprised... They're really similar.

Today I got a lot of work done at school. I reserved myself really. I just got really mad that the fact I'm rank 30 out of 29(5?) students. I've always been right under the 10% mark. I want to change that. I've also heard from. Lot of teachers that I should go to the University Of Texas but I've made up my mind. No teacher can simply determine my future. I love Austin, Texas and I'd live there some day. I don't know what I'd do at UT but I still have one more year to figure that out right? I want Togo just have the title. I also go for the band so might as well just minor in English and Music. I guess...? Let us not talk about that. It's complicated. Rather - it's not interesting.

I look up at Thew time and I frown because it's late. I guess I'll post this and go to bed. Goodnight everyone :). I found out that 'everyone' is a single pronoun today. Funny isn't it? Considering everyone isn't one. Haha. Man I'm lame... Haha.