Atonement?

P: Forgiveness Plead T: Torn, Hurt, Guilty

January 30, 2013

Forgiveness plead

Tone: Torn, hurt, guilty

Opps

I hushed my lips

Opps

i made eye contact with you

Opps

I can't stop feeling guilty

Damn

Now I'm crying and I'm saying sorry

Point is

Will you forgive me?

The silence is deadly

I feel it creep into my heart

Infecting my soul and mind to follow

When our eyes meet I can't help but try

To show you the demise that I'm going through

And when I say I'm sorry the guilt unleashes it's wrath

As the very words leave my lips

I'm sorry

I can't help but be

But the fact that I can't explain it to you in words

As a writer

As a descriptive person in general

Just means

That I really mean it

And that I really want to to say

What my heart keeps pushing

What my mind keeps insisting

What my soul keeps on crying

Point is

Will you forgive me?

Conclusion: I talked to Skyler today. She doesn't like it when I tell her what's wrong not does she like it when I don't and today. Today I think I understand It. I left a note for Matrina to text me when she was done with practice in her case. She didn't but anyway. I hugged Skyler and embraced her tightly. The tears just followed. I told her that I was sorry. I want to tell her about Matrina but Skyler, for one, hates Matrina in the sense of me mentioning her and two, I told Matrina that I wouldn't tell anybody.

I didn't completely keep that promise by the way. I'm talking to Naomi right ow and I told her about it. Ha. I really don't even like it when she responds. Is like. Ha. Um. Yea. I. Uh. Hi. xD. Anyway, I told Naomi a generalization of the situation. I also broke the promise by telling you guys but you're not going to go up to her any time soon and be like: MATRINA! Danieljames (Danny as she calls me) to me, us, all about yalls situation. Omgeezers I can't believe you two. We're.. And fill in the blank with what ever stupid comment you want to place there. Besides... I trust you guys lol. At this point? If you're coming from venture or have read any of y past poetry it's like... You already know about my life why hide it now? It's not like this is published to where all the people in my life can read... Okay there are a few but those are the few that I can't control and at this point don't give a shit if they see.

Anyway... This thing with Matrina is really degrading me. I said yes because I was bored and thought hey alright sure. Now? I just want to finish it. It's a phase and the phase needs to be over. I don't like half going out with someone AND giving them something that I can never get in return.

*sigh* Im really sorry Skyler I wish I could just blurt everything out to you. Yes I know we are mad at each other but by default you're supposed to know what's wrong.

Right. Okay so I looked back when I put the ote in Matrina's case and saw Skyler looking as depressed as ever just because she saw me cry and knew she couldn't do anything about it. She was telling me that I didn't have to talk about it if I didn't want to. The thing is. I do. And I have to tell her somehow. A a story teller I can change names and I can simplify to elaborate situations pretty quickly. I think I just might have to write it down and hand it to her because I can't tell her in person because then I loss my voice. That's been happening lately too. I just haven't been able to say what I want to say or find the will to get people to look at me. I hate hearing my voice because it's annoying me. It's weird.

Anyway.... I feel happy that the only reason why Skyler doesn't want to hear about my pain is because she can't do anything about it or at least anything to fix it. I really love her for that. I appreciate her concern even though she has her own way of saying it and it can hurt but now I understand her more just by looking back. I saw e atmosphere that I had left with her and I felt bad but if I went over to apologize I knew it wouldn't do any good.

Skyler. If I could tell you that I love you without you yelling back that I don't or that you don't love me that would be an achievement of a life time. As my best friend. You're the world to me. I hope you know that. And I don't mean girlfriend wise. Especially since this has happened. As much as I said I'd like to try it... I'm it up for it right now and I know that relieves you.