entangled strings

Karmi's letters #331 of 365

Dear Lia,

I remembered when you made me eat bilo-bilo— I mean you didn’t make me eat it but your existence encourage me to do something different. I never had anything like that until that day and I didn’t regret anything of it. Parang ang friendship natin. I never regret anything with us.  

Noong umalis ka sa Park... kinain ko rin iyong fried noodles na para dapat sa iyo. Umiiyak ako habang kumakain. Ramdam ko naman agad noong inaya kita umalis sa school, alam kong kailangan kong manghingi ng palugit kahit hindi rin naman mangyayari. Basta lang mapapayag kang sumama sa akin kahit saglit... for the last time.

All of the time we spent together was the best times of my life. Palagi akong umiiyak about it bago matulog kasi... hindi ko inakalang pwede pala akong matrato ng ganoon... ng normal. Kaya wala akong pinaghihinayangan sa lahat. Ang friendship natin ang pinaka-worth it pahalagahan.

I tried to make friends with other celebrities pero hindi nagwowork dahil sa busy schedule at sa magulang ko. They were restricting me to meet other people and to do anything. Then I knew I was just born to be a money machine. How did it start? Because of Ate Karmina. Masyadong nagalit ang magulang namin dahil nagawa niyang umalis pero sa totoo lang, deserve ni ateng makawala sa hawlang tinitirhan ko ngayon. Instead of breaking the toxic behavior, they did it again to their second child. It made me realize not every adult deserves to be a parent. Not everyone has the capacity and maturity to take care a human being yet... here we are.

Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba ako malungkot pero puno ng galit iyong dibdib ko. Kahit noong maliit pa ako, kontrolado na lahat ng kilos at gagawin ko. I was not meant to be a child but to be a robot. Sucks that it’s not just me experiencing this... but the rest of young celebrities working under my parents’ company. Gusto ko man sirain ang napakaduming industriya na 'to... iniisip ko na lang iyong mga nasa laylayan na nagtitiyang magtrabaho para lang matustusan ang pamilya nila. My parents made me realize how privilege I was and I wanted to give back someday— not to them but for those who cared for me while I was working.

Sawang sawa na ako. Gusto ko na lang bumalik sa araw na inaya mo ako kumain ng palabok. Kailangan ko tumanggi dahil minamanmanan ako ng bagong guwardya ko noon. Ayon, nag-order na lang ako online. First time ko kumain mag-isa nang masaya kasi ikaw lang ang inaalala ko at hindi ang pesteng trabaho ko.

Our friendship might not built to last, but I know our memories meant to stay in my heart forever. Miss na kita, Lia. I hope you’re doing okay.