Ruin

41

Monday: 6:15 P. M.
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The sound of my phone going off, through the Bluetooth connection in the car, startles me.

My neck snaps back from where it's resting on my steering wheel and the horn blares.

Through hazy eyes, I see the security guard exit his booth and peer in my direction.

I hope to God he doesn't tell me to leave. Or worse, calls Lucas.

I sigh, and pull the phone from the dashboard.

My throat is scratchy and dry and I can tell it's going to be sore later.

With trembling fingers, I pull the notification bar down to preview the WhatsApp message.

My heart does a double back flip when I notice who it's from and what it says.

Lucas ❤️: Please don't leave. I'm sorry.

Oh God...!

A feeling I can't quite describe washes over me, and the tears start to flow like a fucking dam just broke in my eyes.

I don't know what touches me more, the fact that I'm the one who started all this mess, yet he's the one apologizing, or that he actually doesn't want me to leave?

The phone falls from my hand and lands between my parted legs and the car seat, as my limbs get weak as the sob rocks me.

I don't understand why I'm crying so hard, but the more I try to control it, is that harder the tears flow.

Guilt? Maybe...

I do have all right to feel guilty. That man did nothing wrong. I'm the one who allowed jealousy to fuck me over, and lashed out at him like a frigging crazy person.

Without cause, I hurt someone who didn't even intentionally hurt me.

Damn.

My mind flashes back to the look in his eyes when he asked me what I took him for. I couldn't even answer truthfully, because I didn't know how to say it, so I didn't answer at all.

If only he knew how much I liked and cared for him...

And that's why he's hurting so much, because he doesn't realize.

It breaks my heart to see him this heartbroken, and to know that I am the one causing the hurt.

A lone stream of tears falls from my eyes and rolls down my cheek.

I don't know when I've become so...pitiful.

Fuck Odaine for messing me up so much!

This is all his fault!

Here I have an amazing, caring, romantic, super sexy, ultra handsome guy wanting to be with me, for who I am, but I can't allow myself the peace of mind to accept him because of one fucked up thing that my selfish ex did.

It shouldn't be this way.

I shouldn't have to suffer for someone else's sake.

I deserve to be happy. After so many months of being alone and conflicted, I think I should be able to afford that much.

But the source of that opportunity is locked away in that house, possibly resenting me for the heartache and torment I've brought to his life, while I'm out here, locked in my fucking car crying my eye balls out. Without a clue of how to make things right.

I sigh and inhale deeply. The breath of fresh air hits my lungs and seems to calm me down a bit.

My mind is foggy and clouded with all sorts of nonsense. But despite it all, I can't get one person out of my mind.