Ruin

45

Wednesday: 3:44 P. M.
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The sound of my feet tapping to a quick rhythm against the tiled floor is the only thing keeping me sane.

Not even the hunger I feel is distracting enough, as I sit on the toilet seat, chewing on my bottom lip, lost in thoughts of potentially dire consequences to come.

Ever since I got back from Deidre's, I've been sitting alone in Lucas' bathroom, drowning in my thoughts, as I await my fate.

Said fate that's about to be determined by a 5-minute Quickpreg test.

I can feel the sweat trickling from my forehead and armpits, making me  contemplate taking another shower.

Why the fuck am I so nervous?

No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to relax.

The feeling is overwhelming...like I'm losing control.

The more I think on it, is the more I realize I'm not ready to have a child.

Definitely not right now.

This isn't just about Lucas and his reaction anymore. It's about me. I'm just not ready.

So what am I to do if I am pregnant?

If you don't want to keep it, get rid of it then. Simple.

I banish the thought as quickly as it comes.

As much as I'm not ready for a child, I don't believe in abortion. To each his own, but it just isn't a practice I plan on embracing. Ever.

The timer on my phones goes off, and I spring to my feet.

Inhaling a deep breath, while my heart continues to drum in my ears, I pick up the pregnancy test from where it rests on the toilet tank and slide the lid up, closing my eyes tightly to calm my nerves.

After mentally counting to five, I open my eyes.

My stomach knots as I look at the pee stick in my hand.

A wave of relief washes over me as I continue to stare at the little red marking.

Although, a pang in my heart accompanies the feeling.

I sigh and close my eyes once more.

With shaky hands, I run my fingers down my face and sigh.

My fingers are wet with tears I didn't even realize I'd been shedding.

See why yuh fi stop run dung hood? Yuh can't manage the heat.

I can still feel the lump in my throat, but a smile graces my lips nonetheless.

It's the first one since I've gotten here. I shake my head at the thought.

"Amanda?" Lucas' voice greets my ears.

The sound makes me jump, dropping the test from my hand.

I hadn't heard when he got in.

"Babe?" I call out to him so he knows I'm in here.

The word rolls off my tongue, but it still feels weird calling him that.

I guess it still hasn't quite sunken in that we're together. Yet.

To think just a few days ago, I was calling another man that.

Maybe I will get used to it in due time, I tell myself.

I love that Lucas doesn't have a problem with me calling him that though.

At least, not that I know of.