Insatiable [h.s]

44

Aurora Walker
Present day: June 6, 2020

I think Oregon would be one of the last places I'd even imagine myself living. But now that I'm here I couldn't think of a place being more perfect for me. 

There's only a few things in life that truly make me happy. Ten things to be exact.

Being surrounded by trees, rainy days, animals, iced coffee, art, weed, dancing, alcohol, sleeping in a thunderstorm and Josie's tacos.

Living here I have a surplus of all of those. I'm surrounded constantly by trees. It rains a lot here. I have a dog living in the house with me for the first time in my life. I drink coffee everyday. I do my art whenever I feel like it. I smoke when I want to. I dance when I want to and I get to have Josie's tacos anytime that I go with Harry to the diner.

I'd like to say that I hate living here. In fact I want to hate it. I want to hate it so bad that I can't even bring myself to leave my room. I want to hate being here, living with the people I do, I want to hate everything about it.

But I can't.

Over the last month I've grown accustomed to my living situation a lot more than I thought I would. I have relationships with everyone now, even Jade and I talk when she comes to the house.

Mostly, I wanted to not like Harry. I wanted to feel the way I did about him when he told me he'd take me back to New York to Conner. I wanted to feel the way I did when he made me have a panic attack in my room when he forced me to talk about Dylan and my parents.

I really wanted to be able hate him.

But again, I can't.

No matter how much I try to deny it, he's gotten to me. He's gotten under my skin and no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to shake him.

In the last few weeks I've gotten to know him better and he's not at all who I thought he was. I thought he was just this rude, ignorant asshole who disrespects everyone any chance he gets. And yeah, he is, but he's also more than that.

He's smart. He's funny sometimes. He's an artist like me, though he's a lot more talented than I am. He's a song writer, a doctor of sorts and he's someone that truly misses his mom. I can hear it in his voice every time he mentions her, see the pain on his face even though he tries to hide it.

I don't know what that's like. I don't know how it feels to miss a parent since the only good thing either of mine ever did for me was walking out of my life. I wish I could be there for him and I really hate that I can't be.

Honesty I hate that I even want to try in the first place. I shouldn't want to help him or console him, but I do.

I hate that he makes me feel so confused all the time. But... Confusingly enough I also kind of like it.

I kind of like being on edge with him. Both of us exploring new territory together. I'm the first friend he's ever had, which if you think about it is kind of not true since we're technically friends with benefits. I know that friends with benefits usually have sex, but we haven't. I'm not sure if it's because he doesn't want to or if he thinks I don't want to. Either way, we're definitely not technically benefiting much.

I mean he won't even kiss me. Last night he basically said that in a week we'll see if I still want to kiss him. Well, I assure you, I will.

I've thought about kissing him for a long time now. I've thought about it more times than I'd like to admit. I'd probably seem insane if anyone knew even just a few of the thoughts that cross my mind when he's around me.