Insatiable [h.s]

87

Monday, July 6th 2020

So much has changed since the last time I wrote.

So much is different.

We're still in LA which has proven to live up to the hectic lifestyle you see in the movies. Only it's so much crazier than anything I could have ever expected.

Everyone always has somewhere to be. The streets are always packed. And some people can be pretty rude...

One of the craziest things I've had to be a part of so far was attending Harry's father's event two days after my birthday. Which, also, my birthday was amazing by the way. That's completely unrelated to what I'm talking about though.

I had to attend the event because of what happened back in Cave Junction. When Todd found out about me, Niall and Harry stayed behind while the rest of us came to LA. Apparently Harry's father went to Oregon and that's when he hurt Harry the way he did.

Meeting Chris was one of the most intense things I have ever had to experience. Being around the person that has caused the people that I care about so much pain is hard to endure. Being around him and having to be "respectful" and not being able to fully do or say what I wanted was a hard pill to swallow.

To put aside pride in order to keep peace and ensure that no one else that I care about got hurt was hard.

Finally putting a face to the name that has been haunting my thoughts was a real shock as well. I had so many thoughts of Chris and so many scenarios in my mind as to what would happen if I were to have ever met him, yet when I was standing face to face with him the only thing I could think of was the gun that was holstered to my leg.

Knowing everything that he has done... Knowing about him cheating on Harry and Thalia's mom. Knowing that he has tormented Harry for ten years, physically and emotionally abusing him. Seeing the way that he reopens Harry's scars from the night his mother was killed and seeing how he has planted it into Harry's head that what happened was his fault angers me beyond any explanation that I am capable of.

I wanted nothing more than to draw my gun and end the torment there.

Confessing that on paper sounds terrifying. I don't even sound like me anymore...

What's even more scary is that I don't feel wrong for saying it. I feel like the person that I used to be is so far gone... The person who would have cowarded away in fear at the idea of a gun. The person who would let people walk all over her. The person who was seemingly terrified of everything.

The person I am now, the person I've become in these last two months, doesn't find terror in everything like I used to. I'm not scared of pulling a gun or of actually explaining to someone as to why what they're doing isn't okay.

I guess that's why when Todd pulled his gun on me I didn't think twice about pulling mine out on him.

I held Todd at gunpoint without even thinking about it. I just did it. He turned his eyes away from me for just a moment and in that split second I pulled my gun and aimed it at his head.

Chris seemed... Impressed.

I don't know if I should take that as a compliment though. Chris Styles being impressed with me isn't exactly something I'm too keen on having happen again.

While Todd and I held our guns at each other Chris was talking. He was trying to play on my humanity and testing to see if I would give in to the parts of myself that would feel compassion.