Insatiable [h.s]

73

Harry Styles

I had to walk away this morning.

If I didn't then it just would have gotten worse and I would have ended up saying something that I didn't mean— Or worse, I would have said something that I did mean but couldn't take back.

I've been trying to not escalate things lately. Taking deep breaths helps sometimes. Walking away helps too.

But I knew this time it wouldn't be that easy. If I just walked away someone was bound to follow with more shit to say, so I went straight to the garage knowing that I had a shirt in my trunk and went for a drive.

I drove for about an hour straight with the radio playing in the background as my mind raced over everything that's happened just since opening my eyes.

I know that Rori is mad at me, and rightfully so. She should be. She's right, I have been withholding a lot of information from her.

It's not right for me to do it to her, but it's what I have to do.

I care about keeping Chloe safe but I care more about the safety of Rori. Keeping her out of danger is my main focus so if that means not telling her certain aspects regarding Chloe, then her anger is worth it to me.

I'm not lying to her. I'm just... Not telling the entire truth.

Though, even as pissed as she is, she still text me about an hour into my driving. She asked if I was okay and I just responded with, "I'll be back soon."

I didn't really know how else to answer it.

I guess the truth is, no, I'm not okay. Nothing about any of this is okay.

We shouldn't be in this situation— Rori shouldn't be in this situation.

My father shouldn't be able to force us to go to this fucking event. He shouldn't give a damn about Rori. And most importantly I should be keeping her as far away from him as possible.

Yet, here we are. Stuck going to this event in order for Rori to have the protection amongst my family that she needs.

Sometimes I wish that I could go back to the day that Rori and I met. I like to imagine that I would do things differently. I like to think that I wouldn't go down that bread isle, or that I would just walk away instead of standing there wordlessly as she apologized for dropping her eggs on me.

I even think about the hardware store. I think about how I could have done that differently too. How I could have walked in with Niall instead of leaving him in the parking lot while he was on the phone with Millie. Maybe then Rori would have gone into the back before I got into the store and someone else would have cut the rope for Niall and I.

I also imagine picking a different club that night. One that Rori didn't work at. One that was just as capable of getting me drunk.

I wish more than anything that I could do things differently.

Yet, no matter how much I want to think I would, I know I wouldn't. Given the chance to go back, knowing then what I know now, I know I wouldn't do anything differently.

How could I?

Thalia was right in calling me selfish. I am. I know that I am. I always have been and I know that it will never change.

I want to say that I would put Rori above myself and let her live a happy life without me, but I can't. I crave her in ways that I can't even begin to explain. The way that I feel about her isn't good— my feelings towards her could end in getting us both being killed.