My Name Is Bucky [FemBucky&Sam]

List

[Now...]

“Say it again. One more time.” Dr. Raynor drones out and with a slightly patronising tone and an even slighter smirk, adds, “Just so I know you’re listening.”

Bucky rolls her eyes, but does as she’s told with only a little attitude this time. “I am no longer the Winter Soldier. I am Jane Bucky Barnes. And you are a part of my efforts to make amends.”

“Uh-huh. And did you say it just like that this time?” Dr. Raynor arches a brow.

Bucky purses her lips for a split second when the image of her last HYDRA “reunion” dangling over the edge of a really tall building enters her mind for a split second more – her metal arm gripping his ankle as he squealed very much like a little pig.

“Jane,” The Doctor’s voice is stern, slightly cautious. “What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything.” Bucky uses her fingers for air quotes. “I didn’t hurt him... Just scared him a little until the proper authorities showed up to take him away.” She states, trying not to sound too snooty. It might just give her away. Still, she’s not lying. She didn’t hurt him.

“Care to elaborate?”

“Um...” Bucky winces slightly. “No?”

“Is that a question?”

“No.” Bucky answers firmly, shakes her head.

Dr. Raynor closes her eyes and sighs deeply.

“So, can I go now?” Bucky asks all too hopefully.

“No.” Dr. Raynor stares blankly at her.

Bucky huffs and leans back in her seat. “I reported my latest quest for salvation to you.”

– Which reminds her a little too much of the times she would have to report on her missions back to HYDRA, but it’s just another thing she keeps to herself. She keeps a lot of things to herself, mainly because she isn’t ready to relive them yet, but also because she doesn’t want to scare the Doc.

“What more do you need?”

“Oh, I dunno. I mean, this is a therapy session, after all and you’re actually talking to a real professional here.”

Bucky shoots her a deadpan look. “Y’know, Doc, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.”

“So I’ve heard. You're deflecting again.” The Doctor quickly dismisses the supersoldier’s quips and gets back to business with the last ten minutes of the session they have. “And bottling.”

“I don’t bottle.” Bucky says, looking slightly offended.

The Doctor scoffs and doesn’t even bother to apologise for the little display of unprofessionalism. “You bottle.”

“I do not bottle!” Bucky snips, scowling rather petulantly.

“Then, how is it that you’ve been coming to me for 3 months now and not once mentioned Steve?”

Bucky purses her lips again, this time looks a little annoyed.

“I know people mourn in their own way, but –“

“He’s not dead.” Bucky cuts her off, looks even more annoyed as she says, “He finally went to live his life with the woman he loves and after everything, especially the shit I put him through, he deserves happiness and I couldn’t be happier for him!”

“Then, why are you yelling?”

Bucky hadn’t even realised she was.

“What’s the problem, Jane?”

And Bucky hadn’t realised until this moment in which she blurts it all out, “That I couldn’t be fucking happier for him! That I’m totally OK trying to live my life without him! That losing my best friend – losing my brother – didn’t kill me!” Her anger seems to slightly evaporate into defeat and a little anguish. “After everything we went through together... did HYDRA mess me up so bad that I don’t even care anymore? Shouldn’t he mean more to me? I mean, he does, but I –“

“Jane.” The Doctor smiles warmly. “You just described what every person feels whenever they’re ready to start healing. And more than that, you did what a lot of people probably wouldn’t have the strength to, let go, move on. The world knows how close you two were and that closeness is what allowed you to let him go. You said it yourself, you couldn’t be happier for him. You really should listen to yourself talk more.”

Bucky shoots her a half-hearted glare in return of that stupid trademark smirk the Doc likes to wear.

“And you mentioned before that you wanted to get back into the field, if possible. When is the last time you saw any of your other friends?”

Bucky scoffs. “I don’t have other friends.”

Dr. Raynor arches a doubtful brow. “So this Ayo you speak so highly of – she’s not a friend?”

Bucky rolls her eyes, but says nothing.

“And what about the Avengers?”

“What about them?”

The Doctor huffs and ignores the satisfaction on the supersoldier’s face. Ignoring the efforts to drag this out, she continues. She never backs down. Not even to the world’s ex most dangerous assassin. Even if she was afraid, the pay is way too good for her to say otherwise.

“What about Nat or Sam? You like Nat and you were finally starting to get along with Sam.”

“That was ages ago.” Bucky airs, shrugs nonchalantly.

“It was 4 months ago.” Dr. Raynor shoots her another one of her looks.

“Exactly.” Bucky looks at anything but the Doc.

“You said everything was fine between you.”

“It was – is.” Bucky nods, finally looks at the Doc with some small amount of sincerity. “I don’t really know most of ‘em, to be honest.”

“Meaning you haven’t seen them since Tony’s funeral.” Dr. Raynor shakes her head. “You said you would try.”

“Well, I’ve never really been much of a social butterfly.”

The Doctor scoffs again and Bucky outright glares at her. The Doc rolls her eyes. “Don’t look at me like that, Barnes. You think I’m stupid? Even if I hadn’t had read your entire file before being assigned to you, being Captain America’s best friend and Second in Command, while also being one of the best snipers in human history before ever being the Winter Soldier, you should know that literally everyone studied you in school...” She smirks and adds, “But you already know that. So it’s fine.”

Bucky glances at the clock and shoots the Doc a mocking look of disappointment. “Well, would you look at that?” She says before rising to her feet.

“Uh-huh. Look at this, and go.” The Doc rises with her and holds out a piece of paper.

Bucky grits her teeth silently and all but snatches the paper.

A list, she soon realises. A real professional one, she thinks sarcastically. Though, a short one, a highly difficult one this time.

1. Another atonement point for your little list.
2. Get a hobby before you go nuts.
3. Be a social butterfly.

Bucky feels insult with number one, annoyed with number two and slightly alarmed at number three. “Um...” She glances up at the Doc. “No?”

Dr. Raynor smiles too pleasantly. “Try again, Barnes. Or I could just put you down as a no-show for this session and the last...”

Bucky feels like she should be more angry at that little threat, but first of all, it would defeat the point of her “moving on” and secondly, honestly, she’s actually a little impressed. “What happened to rule number one?”

Dr. Raynor glares at the supersoldier, pointing to the door as she finally snaps, “Get out.”

And Bucky leaves her be and makes a swift exit. But not without wearing another satisfied look.