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The day.

Flashback 26.03.2021

Alexia's POV.

My alarm sounded at 6:30am, but I was already wide awake. I had been for most of the night. I was tired, but I needed to get out of bed and get ready for my flight.

Flying to Manchester to see Isy had become a regular part of my life over the last 6 months. I would go to see her if I had a weekend off and she would do the same, coming to Barcelona whenever she had a break in her match schedule.

When Isy first mentioned leaving Barcelona to get more game time I knew that long distance would be hard, but it was what she needed to do. She deserved to be playing and she wasn't getting that at Barca. In my head, when I thought about what it would be like, it wasn't this. I naively assumed that she would stay in Spain, maybe playing for Sevilla, in the city where she grew up, but that wasn't the case. A couple of top WSL teams put in offers for her and even though she was scared about leaving, she had to take the opportunity. She had to leave.

Once I had put the last few things into my suitcase, it was time to leave. I loaded my bags into the car, before coming back inside to get Nala, who I was dropping off at my mother's house on the way to the airport.

The journey to my family home only took about 20 minutes. As I pulled into the driveway Nala began to bark, she did this every time we came to visit, knowing that whenever she came here she would be treated like royalty. I climbed out of the car, got Nala from the back seat and walked up to the door. Before I could even knock, the door swung open and my mother appeared.

"Hola Ale, hola Nala" she smiled taking the small dog from my arms and putting her in the house.

"Hola Madre, thank you for looking after her" I said, giving her a hug.

"It's no problem" she smiled
"Are you looking forward to seeing Isabel?" she asked.

Normally I would answer this question immediately, I was always excited to see my Isy, but today something stopped me.

Today was different. I wasn't thinking about the happy reunion that would be happening in a few hours... I was thinking about having to leave her in a few days and being on my own once again.

I have felt like I've been on a rollercoaster since Isy left. A rollercoaster of emotions that never stopped... it just kept going around and around. The reunion was the highest part, seeing her eyes across an airport terminal, the hug that follows and the first few hours we spend together after weeks apart. Then the emotions change. When we are together, I find myself constantly looking at the clock. 48 hours until I have to leave her... 47 hours until I have to leave her and it goes on. I am so happy to be with her, but at the same time I am sad, sad that I am going to be on my own again very soon. The hardest part is getting back on the plane and leaving her behind.

The rollercoaster was becoming harder to ride. The time apart becoming harder to bear, and making the time together harder to enjoy.

"Yeah... can't wait" I replied unconvincingly.

"Ale, are you ok?" My mum, rubbing my upper arm with her hand. She could tell that something was bothering me.

I couldn't answer that question, because I knew deep down that I wasn't and if I started to talk about it, I wouldn't be able to stop.

"I've got to go...I'm going to be late. Thank you for looking after Nala, I'll see you in a couple of days!" I said before turning to head towards my car.

Once in the car, I started the engine and waved at my mother, who remained standing in the doorway as I drove away. I hated the way I just treated her.

I arrived at the airport and parked my car in the car park. Looking at the terminal, my thoughts took over. I wanted to go and get on that plane and see my Isy, but I knew that if I did, I would be at rock bottom again in a couple of days.

I couldn't do it anymore. The highs. The lows. The loneliness. I just couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't get out of the car.

I sat there as my departure time drew closer and closer, before it eventually passed. My flight had taken off, but I wasn't on it.

Why. Why didn't I just get on the plane...

After a while, my phone vibrated on the passenger seat. It was Isy.

Isy🫶

Hey! I know that you're already on the flight, but I just wanted to let you know that I'll meet you in arrivals. I've missed you so much Cariño, see you soon! 😚❤️ Xo

That text suddenly made me realise what I'd done. I'd done what I had promised not to do. When we decided we would do long distance, we promised that we would never give up on each other, but that is what I had done. I had just given up on her... on us.

I stared at her message for what felt like hours before beginning to type. Rewriting the message over and over again, knowing that whatever I said would hurt her.

Isy🫶

Hey! I know that you already on the flight, but I just wanted to let you know that I'll meet you in arrivals. I've missed you so much Cariño, see you soon 😚❤️ Xo

I didn't get on the flight Isy. I'm so sorry, but I don't think I can do this anymore. It's got absolutely nothing to do with you... you're perfect... you're everything. It's me. I'm the problem.

Missed call from Isy 🫶

Ale...please pick up
Let's talk about this, yeah?

Missed call from Isy 🫶

I don't understand. Please Ale, just talk to me...

Missed call from Isy 🫶

So it that's it then?

I'm sorry Isy, I really am.

I put my phone down and started the engine, before driving away from the airport, the tears rolling down my face. I thought sending that message would give me a sense of relief, that I would feel even a tiny bit better than I did before, but it didn't. I felt empty.

I arrived at my mother's house to collect Nala, I couldn't go home to a completely empty house, I couldn't be on my own. I left my car and walked up to the door, knocking on it gently. The moment that my she opened the door, the look of concern was clear on her face.

"Alexia- what are you doing here? she asked as she looked at me.

My face red and blotchy and my eyes bloodshot. The tears and emotions leaving their mark on my face. I looked down at the floor, not wanting to look my mother in the eyes, because I knew as soon as I did, the tears would begin to fall again.

"Ale... what's wrong? why are you here?" she asked carefully. She reached for my hand to pull me inside, but I didn't move. I was frozen.

I couldn't answer, I couldn't say it out loud.

"Ale, you're worrying me now... please" She pleaded before placing her hand on my chin and making me look up.

"I've ruined everything" I mumbled, my eyes still not meeting hers.

"What's happened?"

"I didn't get on the plane..."