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Family first.

The first few days after coming home were hard, we hadn't spent a night under the same roof in nearly two months and it clearly showed. Jordi and Isy had got into such a good routine that I felt out of place, I didn't know when he was supposed to be napping, what he should and shouldn't be eating now that he had started weaning, how much milk he needed and what to do when he cried after not getting his own way, but things got easier. It felt like we were starting to become a family again, not in the way we were before obviously, but a new normal. A normal where I slept in the spare room and no longer got to kiss my wife goodnight, but it was progress. After a lot of talking and a few arguments we had agreed to just be co-parents for a while, sleeping in separate rooms and not talking about us, instead focusing on being the best mothers that we could for our little boy, hoping that the rest would eventually follow.

I struggled with that when Isy was sick one morning before training though, the sound of her throwing up into the toilet echoing around the house as I got Jordi ready for the day.

"Are you ok?" I asked as I stood in the doorway of the bathroom, looking down at her as she vulnerably knelt in front of the toilet bowl.

"Ale, we agreed. You're here as Jordi's Mama, not my wife, so please just go and get him ready to go to your mother's"

"I'm just worried about you, you haven't been this sick since you were pregnant"

"Well, I'm definitely not pregnant am I? It's just a bug, I'll be fine once I've got it all out of my system"

"Can I get you anything before I go? Do you want some water?"

"I'm fine, you need to go or you'll be late for training"

"I know, I'm going..."
"I've got my interview this afternoon, so I'm going to ask Mama to keep Jordi until I've finished so that you can get some rest"

"Of course you are..." She muttered under her breath before retching into the toilet once again.

"What does that mean?"

"You can't cancel your interview to look after your son?" she snapped.

"If it was any other interview I would..."

"Of course you would" she mumbled.

I was telling the truth, if this had been an interview to promote one of my sponsors or to get more publicity for the sport I would have cancelled it in a heartbeat, but this was more than that. I had been organising it for the last couple of weeks, discussing the logistics with my agent and thinking about what I was going to say.

Retiring from international duty was something I had been thinking about ever since I got injured, having so much time at home with Isy during my rehab and her pregnancy made me realise that I had missed out on so much over the years. Since Isy and I got back together I had spent almost three months a year away with the national team and now that we've got Jordi and have started our family together it isn't something that I want to do anymore. This interview was my way of announcing that I am no longer going to play for my country.

I hadn't told Isy yet, I'd wanted to, but if I knew anything about my wife it was that she would try and talk me out of it. She'd think that I was doing it because I felt guilty about what happened with Jenni and how I acted during the world cup, and not because it was something that I really wanted to do. I understood why she was upset that I wasn't cancelling, but I hoped that she would understand once she had read the article.

"Are you going to be ok here on your own? because I can get Mama to come here instead if you need-"

"Just go Ale, tell Eli I said thank you for taking him"

I knew that it was what I wanted to do, but I still expected some part of me to feel sad about it or regret making the decision, but there wasn't. The second I dropped the news into the interview I felt nothing but relief. It was like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, a weight that I didn't know I'd been carrying until the pressure was taken off my back. I was excited, excited about the future, about spending more time with Jordi, being able to watch him grow up and hopefully getting back to how things were with Isy before I screwed everything up.

The interview lasted longer than I had planned, probably down to the fact that I had announced my international retirement out of the blue, and by the time I had finished it was nearly Jordi's bedtime. I quickly gathered my things and headed out to the car, before making my way to Mama's to pick Jordi up, knowing that he would be tired, grumpy and more than ready for his bed.

"I tried to keep him awake..." Mama whispered as she answered the door with Jordi fast asleep in her arms, his head resting on her shoulder as she ran her hand up and down his back.

"It's ok, it's my fault... the interview took longer than I thought" I spoke quietly as I reached to take Jordi from her, shushing him as he stirred from the movement.

"What was it about anyway? I forgot to ask earlier"

"You'll find out tomorrow" I smiled, unable to hide my happiness as I cradled Jordi in my arms.

"What's that smile for?" Mama asked, staring at me with a questioning look on her face.

"You'll find out tomorrow... I should get this sleepy little boy home and into bed"

"You're worrying me Ale..."

"It's nothing bad Mama, I promise. It's going to be good for all of us, I just can't tell you yet"

The house was quiet when we got back, there was no sign of Isy or Nala and all of the lights were switched off. I carried Jordi upstairs, taking him into his nursery and settling him down in his cot, before walking down the hall to check on Isy. The bedroom door was pushed closed but not fastened completely, the soft glow of the bedside lamp shining into the hallway.

"Isy... I'm sorry that I'm late, are you ok?" I spoke quietly as I knocked on the door, getting nothing but silence from the other side.
"Can I get you anything?" I asked as I pushed the door open slightly, being met with the view of my wife curled up in a ball in the middle of our bed, the duvet pulled up to her neck and Nala sleeping peacefully beside her.

Normally when she was sick, I would climb into bed beside her and hold her as she slept it off, but no matter how much I wanted to do that right now, I couldn't. We'd set boundaries, I wasn't her wife at the moment, I was simply Jordi's other mother and I needed to respect that to have any chance of fixing our marriage. So, I whispered I love you as I closed her door and headed down the hall to the spare room.