Back to us | Alexia Putellas

Past, present, future.

The last few days since our break had been the hardest since the last time we ended, since the day that changed everything I had imagined my future to be.

The future I envisioned for myself had changed more times in the last few years than I thought it would at this stage in my life. When I grew up I thought that by the age of twenty-six, I would be settled down in a happy relationship with the love of my life, maybe engaged or even married and thinking about starting a family together, but things have panned out very differently.

Before I signed for Manchester, things were heading in the direction, I had never been happier in terms of my personal life, at one point I even thought that Ale was going to propose, but that never happened. Looking back now, my decision to move to England to get more playing time was the thing that ruined those plans. Eventhough we agreed to do long-distance for a couple of years and had every intention of making it work, it was obvious that it wouldn't work out as we had hoped, I just wish that we had realised it sooner.

Whilst in Manchester I let that future go, instead focusing purely on my football in the hope of eventually coming back to Spain... coming back home. I worked harder than I had ever done during my time at United, putting all of my anger about the way things had ended with Ale into my training and it eventually paid off, getting a phone call from Jonatan one Monday morning offering me a contract for the upcoming season. I thought long and hard about returning to Barca, as much as I had wanted it I knew that it would be a different place for me than it was before I left. Ale and I hadn't spoken in well over a year and going back to the team that she was captain of was going to be difficult, but it was an opportunity that I had to take and I didn't regret it at all.

The future that I had imagined growing up had come back into sight since Ale and I had rekindled our relationship and that hadn't changed at all in the last few days since we had decided to take a break. In a way, it had become even clearer. Ale was my future.

I booked an appointment with my therapist as soon as I got back to my apartment that night, realizing that I needed to talk about what was going on with someone that wasn't involved and I had been back a couple more times in the last week. I hadn't seen Ale outside of training this week, but as much as I wanted to, I knew that space was what I needed right now to sort my emotions out, but tonight was different. Lying in bed at my apartment, all I could think about was that Ale was lying in our bed alone... without me and I missed her.

As I pulled into the driveway of our house, I looked up to the bedroom window to see a soft light glowing through the gap in the curtains. She was still awake. Raising my hand to knock on the front door, I felt nervous, I knew how I wanted this to go, but after all this break had been her idea and maybe she wasn't ready for me to come home just yet.

My heart was racing as I stood there waiting for her to open the door, waiting for the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs to be heard through the front door, but they didn't come so I knocked again, slightly harder this time, but still there was nothing.  Just as I pulled my phone out of my coat pocket to text her, the door slowly opened and Ale's face appeared in the gap between the door and the frame.

"Jesus Isy, you scared the shit out of me" She breathed, opening the door fully before reaching for my hand and pulling me inside.

"What are you doing here? Are you ok?" She asked, the concern clear in her voice, her hand still gripping mine as we stood in the hallway.

"I couldn't sleep. I miss you Ale and I know that we-" I began, but she interrupted me before I could even finish, pulling me into her and wrapping her arms around me holding me in a tight embrace.

"I missed you too cariño" She mumbled, before placing a kiss on the top of my head.
"Come on let's go to bed, it's late we can talk in the morning"

"You could have used your key you know? You didn't have to knock, this is your home too" 

"I didn't know if you'd want me here" I spoke unsurely as we climbed into bed.

"I always want you here Isy" she said, pulling me towards her as we both settled under the sheets.
"Always. Don't ever think that I don't ok?"

I slept better than I had done in months, being back in Ale's arms after a few days apart made me feel complete again. As I opened my eyes I immediately found Ale smiling across the bed at me, her head resting on the pillow next to me as the sun beamed in through the window.

"Morning" she smiled, opening her arms for me to crawl into like she did every morning.

"Thank you" I mumbled sleepily as I laid in her arms.

"For what?" She asked, her fingers running through my hair.

"For realising what I needed, when I couldn't"
"I went back to my therapist, talked to her about how I was feeling and the drinking starting again. It helped... made me realise that it's not just one thing behind it. It's more than just me being upset"

"I'm so proud of you"
"If you're not ready to talk about it that's fine, I understand, but I'd really like to understand what is going on so that I can help you"

"I- I found my birth mother"