Back to us | Alexia Putellas

For Jordi.

Today was my first day back in the gym, which meant that it was also the first time leaving Jordi with Eli for the day. I hated the idea of not being with him for longer than a couple of hours. I wasn't going to be there to calm him down when he cried, rock him to sleep at nap time, cuddle him when he felt clingy, or feed him his lunch.

Mornings with Jordi were normally relaxed, I'd bring him into bed with me for a bit and we'd snuggle whilst I gave him some milk before getting dressed and heading downstairs for breakfast at about 7am, but this morning everything felt hectic. I needed to get myself ready for work for the first time in over almost a year and a half as well as get him ready to spend the day with Eli. I rushed around the house packing everything I needed into my training bag and everything that he needed into the changing bag, before getting into the car and driving across town to Eli's

I expected dropping him off to be hard, but nothing prepared me for the tears that came as I handed him over to Eli and went to leave. He immediately reached for me, crying when I started to walk away from him and the screaming only intensified as I was out of sight. I felt my heart shatter into a thousand pieces, I wanted to run back inside, comfort him and tell him that I'd be back later to pick him up, but I knew that would only make it harder, not just for him, but for me too.

I was going to be working in the gym for the first couple of weeks, so I spent the morning with one of the physios doing baseline fitness tests and going through my workout plan before getting on with the first session on my own. I was halfway through my run on the treadmill when the gym door swung open and Ale walked in, her eyes meeting mine as she walked towards me.

"Hey..."

"Can we not do this now Ale..." I huffed, continuing my run as she walked towards me. Her eyes meeting mine for a moment before she spoke again.

"Mama text me"

"What's wrong!? Is he ok? I told her to ring me if anything happened..." I asked frantically, stopping the treadmill and hopping off to check my phone that was sat on one of the benches.

"Isy, he's fine. She just said that this morning was tough and I wanted to check that you were doing ok..."

"I'm fine"

"Really?" She asked, tilting her head slightly as she looked at me, clearly able to see that I wasn't ok.

"I hate leaving him" I admitted.

"I know"

"I can't leave him if he cries like that every morning, you should have seen him..."

"It'll get easier, he's just got used to having you to himself all of the time that's all"

"I felt like I was abandoning him... he's still so little and he needs me"

"Isy..." Ale said sympathetically, stepping closer to me and placing her hand on my shoulder her hazel eyes staring into mine for a moment.

This is what I'd needed this morning when I got into the car and broke down after leaving Eli's, I needed my wife, I needed Jordi's Mama to tell me that everything was going to be fine and that he was going to be ok with his Abuela, but she wasn't there and I resented her for that.

"Ignore me, I'm being dramatic. I've still got some more work to do here so..." I brushed her hand off before turning back to the treadmill.

"Ok... well I'm heading back to Mama's now, so I'll see you when you come to get Jordi"

I wanted to let Ale comfort me, but I couldn't. I was still mad at her for what she'd done, not just to me, but to us as a family. It had been two and half weeks since we'd got home and our conversations had either been shouting matches or civil interactions for the sake of Jordi. I would get mad and shout at her for kissing Jenni, and she would apologise over and over again, but we never got any closer to discussing how either of us really felt and I knew that was going to have to change at some point.

I made the decision on my way to Eli's. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy and that there were going to be good days and bad, but it was what we both needed. It was what our family needed

"Hi" Eli greeted me with a smile as she answered the front door.

"Hey, how was he?" I asked immediately.

"Good as gold, I can bring him out if you don't want to come in?" She asked, knowing that Ale and I still weren't on good terms and I might just want to get Jordi and go.

"No, it's fine, I'll come in. Actually, I was hoping that you could give me and Ale a minute? I need to talk to her about something"

"Of course, they're outside, I'll leave you to it" She gestured towards the sliding doors that lead out into the back garden where I could see Ale and Jordi sitting on the grass.

"Thank you Eli"

I made my way through the house and out into the garden. Ale looked up at the sound of the sliding door opening, her face brightening as she saw me, before lifting Jordi up and turning him around to face me.

"Look who's here Jordi!" She said as she pointed in my direction

His little face lit up when he noticed me, his little dimples appearing on his cheeks as he giggled excitedly at me. My heart practically exploded with the cuteness that he was giving off. I'd been thinking about this all day and his reaction definitely didn't dissapoint.

"Hi my little love" I smiled as I quickly made my way over to them, sweeping Jordi up into my arms and snuggling him close to my chest.
"Mami missed you so much" I mumbled as I kissed his cheek.

"I'll go and grab his bag" Ale said awkwardly as she jumped to her feet and started to head towards the house.

"Ale, wait. I was actually hoping that we could talk for a sec?"

"Yeah, um- of course. Do you want to go inside?" She asked, awkwardly hovering between us and the back door.

"No, out here's good" I smiled briefly, before gesturing down at the grass that we were standing on.

We both sat down on the ground, a few moments of awkward silence passing before I finally built up the courage to speak.

"Can you come home?" I asked, not quite believing what was coming out of my mouth after everything she had done.

"Really?"

"I need our family back under one roof. Jordi needs his Mamá and I could really use the extra pair of hands with him now that I'm back training" I explained, as I settled Jordi on my lap and gave him my car keys to keep him entertained.

"If that's what you want, then of course I'll come home" she smiled briefly.

"I haven't forgiven you Ale, but we can't keep living separate lives and ignoring the situation. It's not good for Jordi and it's not going to be good for us in the long term. We need to sort this out, and I think the only we're going to be able to do that is if you come home. We are both running from the conversations that need to be had"

"I know... I'm just so scared that those conversations will eventually lead to the end of us"

"I am too, but we need to do it for Jordi, because he deserves to have two parents who can communicate and do what is best for him, whether we are still together or not"