17 : I see you

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I hate away games.

Tonight we played the lions and given there name is the lions they where really shit. We beat them 4-0, three goals to me and one to Archie, and my father was there.

Growing up my father was shit, having his career based off the NHL he never came home. Growing up he taught me I could never be the best and that would need to be stuck in my head, I could never be the best because I wasn't. Everything I did was to make him proud to make him notice me. And now when I am on a roll and scouts are looking at me he wants a part of my life, I call bullshit.

We came back to our hotel room because it was so far away we had to stay the night, all the boys went out but I was to tired so I stayed back.

As I was turning off the lights my phone buzzed on charge next to me, not knowing who would text me this late I open it up to see a text from Gracie.

Gracie: congratulations on the game :)

I smile at her text, shit, I smiled at her text.

Me: you watched? Thought you didn't like hockey.

Gracie: JJ made me make an exception. Sorry for bothering you, you are probably out with the guys right now. Congratulations.

I see her text come through and I immediately hit the call button in the top right not thinking.

"Hi?" She says into the phone, her voice muffled
"Logan is everything okay?" She asks frantic

"Yeah yeah, everything's good" smiling at myself as I listen to her voice.

"Why'd you call?"

"Don't know"

"Oh well. Are you not with the guys?"

"No, I was too tired to go out"

"You played really well" she says as I hear movement from her end of the phone.

"Did you just give me a compliment Owen's" I say sarcastically, her laugh pours out of my phone and I just want to catch it and lock it away, just for me.

"Don't get too cocky about it, it's a once in a lifetime thing"
"You must be really proud, I saw some scouts there" she continues

"I don't really want to talk about it." I sigh into the phone

"Oh, that's okay. We can talk about something else"

"How's classes?" I ask her trying to change the subject from the fact I saw my father today.

"Good I got a 87% in the project I did with Jake" she says I can hear her smile over the phone.

"That's good" I partially lie, I want Gracie to be doing well I really do but doing jake doing well is a big no for me.

A buzz comes from my phone and I take it out of my ear to see the text I got, it's from my father.

I go deathly silent and I know Gracie notices because I'm pretty sure she just asked me a question a few minutes ago and I didn't respond.

"Logan?" She asks, her voice gentle
"Logan, are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine" I say lying through my teeth

"No, no no no. Logan what's wrong?" She huffs out

I don't know why I am thinking of telling her, maybe because she feels safe, like she won't judge me.

"It's my dad, he was at the game"

"Oh, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I totally get that."

"He spent my whole childhood trying to make me turn into him, he didn't support what I wanted ." I say

"I support you Logan, I will always support you."

"He cared more about the NHL than his own family, than his own wife, me." I blurt out


"I can't even try defend him, my whole life it's been about hockey, no one has ever liked me for myself, for me, it's just hockey to them."

"That's not true Logan" she says quietly,

"Yes it is. My coaches, my family, my friends wouldn't even be my friends if it wasn't for hockey and god even the puck bunnies only like me for my title as captain. No one fucking sees me." Something lifts off my shoulders telling someone this, something my mum had tried so hard to get out of me in therapy in high school, something I haven't even told my closest friends.

"I see you Logan west. I will always see you" she whispers so quietly.

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