Deceived Heart (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 13

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor the next morning covered in some of my dried blood. In an instant the events of last night hit me. I wrapped my arms around myself and sat against the door of the bathroom. I stayed there for what felt like hours before i got up, put some clothes on, and walked out the door.

It wasn't long before I reached my destination. I walked past many gravestones before I reached the one I was looking for. Johannah Tomlinson 1974-2011 it read. I sat down in front of the gravestone and took a deep breath.

"Hi Mom," I began. "I miss you more than you can imagine. I miss you more than yesterday and I'll miss you less than tomorrow."

It's been a long time since I came to visit my mom. The last time I came here was a year ago. I just couldn't let the thought that my mom was dead sink in, but now here I am again.

"How are you up there? I hope you're doing well. I know you can't hear me, but I still need to talk things out. Remember when I was little and you hugged me and listened to everything I said when I was sad? I miss that. I miss it so much mom. I wish you were still here to comfort me. My life is such shit without you. I got raped yesterday night mom. I got raped," I started to cry.

"I never thought I would be the person to resort to self harm when things got tough, but I did. I scratched myself until I bled. I'm so weak and useless. I'm a mistake. Why did you have to give birth to me? It would've been easier for you, dad, and everybody else if you didn't," I continued.

"I'm not happy anymore if I'm going to be honest with you mom. All the light and happiness in my life has been replaced with darkness and negative thoughts. You know what I miss the most though? It's not happiness that I miss the most; I'm okay with living without happiness. The thing I miss the most are your hugs mom. They were so warm and protective and full of love," I sobbed.

"I felt safe when you hugged me and whispered reassuring things to me. Your hugs kept me strong. It hurts that I'll never be able to hear your voice, feel your hugs, or see you ever again. I just miss you so much," my voice cracked.

"Please come back to me! I don't know how long I can go on anymore mom! I just miss you so fucking much!" I wrapped my arms around her gravestone and cried on it.

"Why can't you come back to me?" I sobbed. "It's not fair!"

I don't know how long I sat there hugging my mom's gravestone while bawling my eyes out, but it felt good. I finally stood up, and as I was about to walk away from her gravestone, I heard some twigs break. I turned around and saw somebody in the distance walk away quickly. They probably heard all I said to my mom, but I didn't care. I imagined if that person actually turned out to be my mom, and I started laughing. No way that would be her. If only she was. I just wished she was still alive, but some wishes just don't come true now do they? At least I knew for a fact that mine didn't and never would.

*******

Sorry this chapter was so short! Hope you enjoyed it though, and if you can please send me some more covers on twitter @cagedtommo it would mean a lot! I love you all thanks :)