when push comes to shove, the sound of your voice repeating her damn name in my ear is the only thing I can hear at night.
no matter how long I keep the window open to try to drown out the sound with the rush of passing cars, her laughter still escapes from the tail pipes and the light it brings to your eyes shines through my blinds.
this makes it impossible to have the sweet release of the placid slumber I hope for but I think I would rather tear my eardrums out than hear anything else.
you are supposed to let things hurt and then move the hell on once they have added their fair share of emotional bruises onto the frail canvas that is you.
I guess this is one thing I never learned.
although I learned the art of perfecting the process of winding the string of regret in the pit of my stomach into a cord and wrapping it around everything I wished to forget.
I burned that bundle in the notch between my legs with a match that didn't know how to burn slowly and definitely didn't understand that my cries of pain when it singed my skin, were not pleasure.
sometimes I still feel the pulse of the heat from the match and the memories burn their way through my skin and it's almost impossible not to spill the contents of my stomach onto the floor that's been my support all those nights.
The nights where my mind tricks my body into believing that it is happening all over again and every single bone in my body goes into protest and refuses to remove itself from the curled position on the hard floor that the terror has demoted me to.
the tears stream down my face and burn holes in the floor until I fall through and the rush of the fall forces my stomach into my throat and bumps into my heart on it's ride back down, forcing it to do its job once again.
my body as I climb back into bed and slip under the covers of sleep, shakes with the force of a thousand memories hurrying back into their places and knocking all of my bones together in the process of doing so.
as I focus on her voice and the sound of my heart breaking, my body slowly calms like a busy town after midnight.
