i remember the day your hands lost the purpose of holding mine and your heart forgot my name made it beat faster
you looked at me and saw me, instead of the girl you loved and planned your future with.
when the long days of work turned into longer nights of arguing i remember you laying your head down on that pillow and sleeping more peacefully than you had in years.
i remember sitting out on the porch with clogged poetry in my veins until the morning sun dried up my ink for the rest of the day. an endless torturous cycle.
i knew you were cheating before you brought her home to me. i would have rather you just told me, not showed me the girl who you replaced me with. i think you did it on purpose just because you knew i would incessantly compare myself to her.
what does she do for you that i didn't. i gave you my everything and you promised me yours. my everything wasn't enough and she turned out to be yours.
i saw the shock in your eyes when i got up and hugged her hoping she would remember the words i said to her before i walked out of the doors and left my dignity stuck to your carpet.
"i hope he treats you well. give him your everything and if there comes a time where he deems it not enough anymore. know you were. know it was him lacking in the ability to actually love someone. not you."
i remember crying on barstools and telling people that the only thing i ever wanted in the world no longer wanted me. i remember telling them that it was okay that it happened because i couldn't help falling in love with him and how could i expect him to stop himself from falling in love with her.
we do not control love or who it runs to. we can only wish it runs to us. but what do you do when it runs to you and then goes away. how do you deal with that emptiness.
you don't fill it with alcohol or guys you won't remember in the morning. you dig deep down in yourself and fill it with parts of you that you never knew you had because you never looked. you were too busy looking at him. that's how you do it.
