it's been three weeks and if i could force my lips to pull the words from the bottom of my stomach into actual existence i don't know if i'd be able to handle the intensity of my own feelings for you. I know most people would rather stay in their room while the pieces of their hearts are falling to the ground in front of them. but i don't think i could handle sitting there and not being able to distract myself from your voice bouncing off the walls inside of my head even though you're not really there. what the hell would I do with my hands? because when i was bored they always had a way of going on adventures in search of your fingertips and they always found them bu following the scent of you on my bed sheets.
so, i go out and drive. I listen to our songs with all of the windows down. in the beginning I'm sure i looked like an absolute mess. my hair blowing in the wind, tears rolling down my face as i sang along to all of the notes that made my heart scream out in pain. the sun on my face made the tears all too real because it would try drying them as if saying "i have made this a beautiful day for you. too beautiful for you to be crying." but its attempts proved to be worthless as my tears streamed in their own free will and i could see the trees decaying under their green leaves if i looked hard enough.
now i do not cry. i let my chest catch fire and my stomach tie itself in knots that i will have to untangle later when i'm home and my hands are less shaky. but i don't cry. i use the pain you caused as an outlet to free the voiced that has been clogged in my throat since i was eight years old. you taught me how to depend on my own two feet. i can order my own food without your grip on my elbow keeping me anchored so that i don't spin out of control with anxiety. (i still catch myself using your name for the order and my heart still jumps out of my chest when it rings through the air.) i still go out and lay on my trampoline and drown in the colors of the sky as the sun and moon fall in love all over again. they paint the world with their passion.
i'm learning to love the curve of my own smile, not yours. i laugh when things are funny and grin when it tugs the corner of my lips. the sadness of you is easier to hide even though everything i loved about you is still poisoning the pathways scattering the make up of my body. the blood pumps to my brain reminding my heart to beat despite how much it begs for a break. just one and no more. i can write freely without your hands on my waist pulling me into you and away from my thoughts. i read the books i want without your lips interrupting my thought process. i am learning how to love myself but i still can't wrap my mind around why i couldn't love us both.
