ᴋᴍᴛᴛᴘ | ғᴀᴄᴋ

44 ☜

friday, february 4th, 2018.

-finn-

i stumbled into my house, i hadn't gone home last night, in fact, i didn't even sleep. i sat in my car, parked in the woods. i listened to my favorite songs to try and calm down, but the biggest reason why i didn't go home was that i didn't want to do anything I'd regret while i wasn't in my right mind.

so it was five am when i came home, and right away, i got ready for school. i pulled on ripped, black jeans and a white champion sweatshirt, then i slipped on my white vans and grabbed my bookbag. as soon as the clock hit six am, i headed out. i hopped back in my car and drove to the school, i got out and walked in like it was a normal day.

-calc class-

first hour. first hour with Jack. calc class. i nimbly sat down in my seat, i was a bit early, which seemed to please my teacher since I'm usually late to his class.
as Jack walked, i turned my head away from him casually, like i was looking out the window or something.

"Hey," he said. startled, i turned back around. "hey, i uh-didn't see you come in."

"how are you?" he asked, i shrugged and played on my phone to pass the time when i got a text

Noah:

Noah: hey.

me: hi.

noah: wyd

me: in class.

noah: leave class.

me: why?

noah: I've got drinks, no payment this time.

me: where are you

Noah: quarry. hurry up.

me: be right there.

"see you around," i said to jack as i left the classroom, and just as i did, the tardy bell rang; i continued to walk out the doors. i got in my car and drove to the quarry, i hopped out.

noah:

me: here

Noah: by the cliff.

me: ok

i shut off my phone and jogged down the side of the quarry to the cliff, only to see Noah sitting against a rock with a bottle in his hand, and two more next to him.

"Hey, hot stuff," he greeted me, i sighed shakily. "hey," i responded. it's worth it finn. free drinks. forget about Jack, he doesn't need you.

"sit," Noah said as he patted the ground next to him, i did as implied and sat down next to him. i reaches out a hand for the bottle he had, but he shook his head and gave me one of the unopened ones. "i have a feeling you need a bottle of your own," he said, which made me laugh. "you have no idea."

i took a drink of the French whipped vodka, it made my throat burn and it tasted kinda like hot garbage with the way it made my throat feel like it was on fire, but after a few more drinks of it with some sprite, i began to stomach it, and it started to comfort me. "what compelled you to text me?" I asked Noah, he shrugged. "Ever since I saw you last, I couldn't get you off of my mind, you're all I think about. I- I guess I missed you," He said, daintily.

"You missed me? How could you miss me if you want me dead?" I asked, which I shouldn't have. Bad choice, but being drunk with an ex-boyfriend is a situation where something bad is bound to happen. "Finn, I don't want you dead. Quite the opposite. Don't you remember some of our last moments together before you went to the hospital, the moments building up to then?" he asked me, I shook my head, confused.

"You'd been deeply depressed that month, I was scared you were going to leave me, you'd been making jokes about it, killing yourself. One night, I walked in on you hurting yourself with- I think- a box cutter, and I hadn't known what to do... there was blood everywhere, even on your face as you laid in it. I picked you up and patched up your wounds, you woke up the next morning, all was okay for the time being," Noah said. I hummed as if I was giving him permission to keep talking.

"The next couple of days weren't easy, I didn't know what I could've done for you, you seemed so far away. I tried. I tried my best until I knew it wasn't enough, that was when I found you with multiple prescription bottles by your head as you laid on your bed, your wrists were tattered, bloody. I tried to help you as I was on the line with 911, but what was I to do? I knew how to patch up bleeding wounds, but I didn't want to hurt you by trying to get the pills out, so I drove you to the hospital, there was nothing I could do for you. After that, I thought it would be best if I stayed away from you, and once I made that decision, you began to look happier, healthier. I knew it was best that I didn't stay with you, but the longer I wasn't there, the more people twisted our relationship to sound even more toxic. Yes, I gave you drugs, and yes, we did them together, but I never would've made you. I never would've hurt you. Finn, believe me, I didn't want you to die, and even now, I would never wish for you to die."

"Then why-why would you make a suicide pact with me? I asked, zero sobriety left in my body. "I never made a suicide pact with you... Jesus... How often did you do those drugs when we were together?" He asked me, I shrugged. "A lot, I-I was barely sober for an hour out of 24." I confessed. Noah scooted over to me and hugged me tightly, He sobbed into my shoulder.

"I never meant to make you hurt like that, I loved you so much. I-I still do... I feel a-awful for what I-I did to you... I w-was drunk w-when i came over t-that night... I know that d-doesn't justify my actions, b-but i couldn't face y-you soberly, I-I wasn't strong enough," he confessed, my breath hitched at the reminder of that night. the last time i saw him, when he hurt me, he hurt me real bad.

"i-i love you, finn," he said as he cried into my shoulder, he gripped my sweater in his fists. "noah..." i tried to say something, but i was at a loss for words. my view of him had been twisted this entire time, did people lie to me about what happened with him? did the drugs also blur the truth?

when noah pulled away from the hug, i almost told him to not, but i stopped myself. i still didn't know if i could trust him, he could be lying. "i want to earn your trust back," he said, which made me look up from the bottle at him. "what?" i asked, i truly needed a double take, what the fuck?

"i want to earn your trust back," he repeated. i sighed and rested my head in the crook of his neck, taking another swig from the bottle. i felt my eyelids begin to feel heavy and close, i hummed and then i felt myself fall asleep. i felt like i was lying next to jack as i drifted off, it was comforting.