ᴋᴍᴛᴛᴘ | ғᴀᴄᴋ

58 ☜

thursday, march 1st, 2018.

-finn-

sometimes i imagine that i don't really exist, this helps me calm down when i feel a panic attack coming on. i like to imagine that i am a spectator to the world around me, doing nothing more than watching, nobody can see me, nobody can touch me.
this makes me feel indestructible, invincible, which are qualities i wish i possessed for real.

jack makes me feel invincible when i'm with him, i feel so strong, like i could defeat the ultimate enemy in the last level of a game or something like that. i think that's what love really feels like, but i'm scared to tell him i love him sometimes. ever since the... noah incident, it's truly been a struggle, hell, it's only been a few days. since then, i sometimes feel like i can't breathe, i can't think, it feels like i'm not here.
i kind of like it, but i also don't. it's hard to explain.

"finn?" jack called from my door, i snapped my head up from my lap and motioned him to come in, he shut the door behind him. the room felt very small all of a sudden.

"i got an idea," the cutest-boy-in-the-world said. "and what might that be?" i asked, jack chuckled. "just come with me," he smiled as he grabbed my hand and gently pulled me out of bed, jack has always been so gentle with me.

"aren't you supposed to be at school?" i asked as we got in his car, he looked at me in confusion. "finn, baby, it's 3:30, school ended like 35 minutes ago," he chuckled, i looked at the time on my phone. oh. he was right.

"oh- i guess i wasn't paying attention to the time," i said, jack just chuckled and grabbed my hand as he pulled out of my driveway. "i came here right after school got out, i got this idea and i couldn't wait any longer." i love it when jack is excited about things, it makes me happy that he's happy.

"so where are we going?" i finally asked, jack just shook his head and smiled. when we finally parked, we were in the middle of the woods on the far side of down, and it was already dark outside.

"what are we doing out here?" i asked, jack didn't respond, but grabbed my hand and led me to a path we wouldn't have been able to take the car on.

"jackkkk," i wined, he shushed me playful and continued to lead me along the path. we soon reached a clearing, the sky was extremely clear, the moon was full, the stars shined bright. all of this makes me wonder how long jack has been planning this, because it seems perfect. he wouldn't do that for someone like you. you don't deserve it.

we grew near a blanket on the ground with a basket, candles, notebooks, and other various items. "what is all of this?" i asked as we laid down on the blanket and looked up at the sky.

"it's my thanks to you." i turned my head away from the beauty above me to look at the one lying next to me. "thanks for what?"

"it's my thanks to you for being everything i've ever wanted, and making me so very happy, even with our ups and downs. even with your ups and downs," jack answered, he kept his eyes glued to the night sky.

"what about all of these things?" i asked as i sat up, i grabbed the notebook. jack looked flustered as he tried to grab it away from me. "i-uh- wrote a letter to you but you can't read it while we're together."

"what's in the basket?" i asked, jack turned and grabbed it, he set it in front of himself and opened it. the smaller boy pulled out a picture of us, strawberries with chocolate dip, UV blue vodka, a lighter, and a note.

"you're to sweet... another note? do i have to wait to read that one as well?" i asked playfully, but jack didn't laugh, "actually, you wrote this one."

"i don't remember writing a note-" i began, but jack cut me off. "you wouldn't, when i asked your mom about it, she said you were going through a shit ton, it would trigger something, and i shouldn't talk to you about it." i started to get concerned, what was this note?

"jack..." i said cautiously, he shook his head.
"jack, i love you. it's no secret. i cannot survive off of this love, though. i am sinking, burning. i don't have time. i'm running out of time-" jack was quoting, but i stopped him.

"when did i write this?" i asked, "when you were truly thinking about killing yourself, apparently."
my breath hitched.

"this is to new beginnings," jack said as he held up the bottle of vodka as if he was toasting. "this year has already gone to shit, but there's always next year, right?" he giggled, i did as well.

jack sat down and gave me the bottle, i took a long drink. my throat burned, but it felt nice. i looked up from the bottle to see jack holding my note to him over the flame of the lighter.

"jack, wait-!" i tried to get him to stop, but as i expressed my horror, the piece of paper lit on fire. "no, i-" i choked, jack looked at me, confused.

"sorry, i just- i wanted to read it. i-i don't remember writing it, i don't, i- i don't remember what i was thinking," i sighed, jack scooted over to me, i could see out if the corner of his eye, him dipping his finger in the chocolate sauce. as he got closer to me, he smiled and swiped the chocolate on my nose.

"hey-!" i laughed, jack doubled over in laughter. i loved seeing him like this. "you put your guard down," he shrugged with a giggle, i returned the gesture and rested my head in the crook of his neck. as i fell asleep, i could feel jack swiping the chocolate off of my nose, i could hear him quietly snickering as his heart was beating fast.