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It's been maybe 5 days since I checked my notifications. Oops? Also, I'm at 140 something followers. Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. I never though I'd get this far. And to think, I now have over 100k reads on my first book. You guys are amazing.
Enjoy.
Kind of angsty, but I don't think there are any T.W. If there are, let me know.
Patton sighed and looked at his ceiling, tracing the patterns for the umpteenth time that night. The light from his lamp danced in the fractured mirror. He listened to the pitter patter of the rain on his roof, dripping down past his window into the ground. A normal sound, that he couldn't help but get annoyed at. Why? Why am I like this? Why do I do this to myself. Why do I do it to him? He sighed and rolled onto his side, curling in on himself, hoping to lull himself into a false sense of security, hoping that it would put him to sleep, and get the voices to stop. Get the urges to stop. He could pick up his phone, he could make a call, or send a text, but he didn't want to be a bother. He didn't want to wake anyone up, or make them annoyed. He knew he would. They'd not like him if he did.
His energy had left him the moment he walked into his bedroom, and he lay on his back atop his mattress for hours, fully clothed, not caring to remove his glasses, or anything. Comfort didn't matter, not when he had it good compared to others. He had a good life, that anyone would be jealous of, but he didn't want it. He wasn't happy, he wan't okay. He didn't want to keep breathing. He didn't want his head to be loud, or to tell him things he already knew. He knew the voices were right, yet he listened to his significant other, when they said he wasn't what he thought he was. But he was. He let the voices get to the point that they hindered him, and he wasn't okay.
He sat up, the taunting voices becoming too much. He located his shoes, and put them on. He grabbed his keys, and locked the door behind him. He didn't care about the rain, or how cold and wet he was getting. He didn't care about the pain doubling in his knuckles as he stretched out his fingers. He didn't care about anything, other than getting to where he needed to be. And where he needed to be was with his boyfriend. His boyfriend who made sure he knew he was loved, who made sure he ate enough, and that he didn't hurt himself. His boyfriend who cared about him more than anyone possibly could.
He meandered through the rain, the cold had no effect on him, that he could tell. He knew he was shivering, teeth chattering, and he knew he was cold. But he couldn't feel it. He was numb, and that's all he knew.
The familiar door stood in front of him, and he sighed. He hadn't initially meant to get there, he knew he wanted to, but he really didn't want to face the reality of the situation. He didn't want to feel like he'd made a mistake. He knew he'd done some stupid things, stopping in the rain being a pretty big one.
His hands were numb, so when he knocked on the door, he saw he'd done it, and he heard that he'd done it, but he hadn't felt the hard wood beneath his knuckles. The rough material that looked threatening, yet opened to the most welcoming atmosphere.
His boyfriend stood in front of him, yet he didn't register the change in temperature. He didn't see the light in front of him, or feel the hand on his arm. The only thing that registered to him was the voice.
"Patton, what are you doing out here. It is cold and raining, you are going to get sick."
Patton looked at him with lifeless eyes. Patton knew he was sleep deprived, and hating himself, but he couldn't help the words that followed. His brain was on autopilot, and he couldn't stop himself until it was too late.
"Maybe I deserve it."
Something inside of him snapped, and his eyes widened. No light inside ignited, his eyes didn't spring back to life, he just realised what was said. He just realised that he had admitted to being broken. Irreparable.
"Come inside. Please?"
Patton's thoughts halted, and he let himself be taken inside. He let the warmth envelop him, and he leaned into his boyfriend's hold, eyes drooping for the first time in nearly 72 hours. He let himself relax, and for once, the voices in his head shut up.
He knew they would have a lot to talk about in the morning, but right then, he was going to let himself be changed into warm, dry clothes, and fall asleep in the warmth of his boyfriend's hold, listening to the rhythm of his beating heart.
