iris . vkook

sixty eight

육십여덟

Taehyung's PoV;

"Jeongguk, we need to talk." I said as I approached him, seeing him laid on the bed. One arm was behind his head, propping him up, and the other arm dangled off the bed: a lit, half-smoked cigarette between his fingers, which he'd raise to his lips every so often.

Turning my nose up at the habit, I frowned at the smell that hazed over in the room. Jeongguk usually opened all the windows, or smoked outside. It was extremely unlikely that he'd smoke inside. I couldn't see why he'd smoke inside, the smoke stung my eyeballs, blurring my vision as they instinctively teared up.

"Mhm, maybe another day, petal." He spoke, eyes staring up at the ceiling. They were low and sunken, black bags beneath his eyes.

Cursing under my breath, I shoved the window open with more force than expected, hurting my finger. I held it tightly in my other hand, blaming my tears on that.

But really, I was upset over Jeongguk.

There was something he wasn't telling me. 

At first, I'd blamed his sleep deprival on his injury, since he couldn't sleep the way he normally could. But it had begun to heal now, the edges beginning to scab over properly. He was more mobile, able to move his arm without much pain, only hissing if he had to hold it over his head.

He was clearly distressed over something, evident by his increased intake of cigarettes. Before, I'd smell a faint hint of smoke on him but now, he was soaked in the stench of the sour poisons. His voice was croaky as a result of more smoking than talking and his eyes were bloodshot. 

He'd kept his drinking to a minimum, only having a beer or two every so often - so I wasn't concerned over that.

However, I was concerned over more than just his smoking habits. Taeyong had mentioned that Jeongguk had done drugs in the past. Nothing too addicting, 'just coke and weed', but drugs were drugs regardless. 

"No, I want to talk now." I said sternly, "I've been letting it mull over for a while, but I can't anymore."

"Petal-"

"No. Don't try and sweettalk me." I crossed my arms tightly, standing at the foot of the bed with a strong look upon my face. I wasn't gonna be a pushover. I was going to crack Jeongguk, and allow us to share emotions. I was going to fix it.

"Taehyung, nothing is wrong." Jeongguk said, squashing his cigarette in the ceramic tray on the bedside, exhaling out the final puff of smoke.

"Oh yeah, clearly. Because someone chain-smokes when nothing is wrong, don't they?" I huffed in irritancy, sarcasm dripping off my words as I glared at him slightly.

"If you're here to start shit, you can turn and walk right out of that door." Jeongguk remarked, pushing his head back further into the pillow, hand pressing his hair over his face as he groaned, "I can't be bothered with an argument, please."

"I couldn't be bothered with putting up with your lies!" I threw my hands up in the air in frustration, "but I still did! I still pretended to believe you when you said you were fine! I allowed your lies to slip past my hearing, putting them off as just a bad day. Not now, not when you've smoked four packets in two fucking days!"

"Taehyung." He hissed.

"What?" I rolled my eyes, "what are you going to do? Tell me that I'm getting on your nerves? Tell me that you're fine, I'm just overreacting? Are you just gonna feed me the same fucking bullshit as you've been doing for the past week?!"

"How many times do I have to tell you?!" Jeongguk seethed, raising his voice slightly as he sat up, "I. Am. Fine. Nothing is wrong, now stop fucking pestering me!"

"How could I do that?" I pleaded, "Jeongguk, you mean the entire fucking world to me and you're acting as if you don't even care slightly about me. Do you know how much it hurts to sit there, watching someone suffer and knowing that you can't do shit because they won't tell you anything? Do you know how my heart pangs, seeing you chuck away yet another box of Malboro? Do you know how my eyes tear up, watching as you refuse yet another meal?"

"Taehyung, you know I care. Don't blackmail me." Jeongguk replied, standing up.

I ran in front of the door, guarding it with my body. I knew full well that if Jeongguk wanted to go through, all he'd have to do would be to throw me over his shoulder. He'd done it before, but it was light-hearted and we were giggly, giddy and being soppy, my hands grabbing at his shirt as I laughed loudly, Jeongguk swinging me around. 

But now was different. 

He was stood, arms crossed with his tongue pressed against his cheek, sighing as he rolled his eyes.

He wasn't stood with messy hair, kiss-swollen lips and a beautiful smile gracing his face.

I stood timidly in front of the door, hands grasping at the door frame with my greatest attempt at a glare. Trying to stay strong, but failing as my bottom lip quivered and I cursed myself for being so sensitive.

I wasn't stood happily in front of the door, a huge box-like smile on my face, giggling loudly, body jolting to move away from his tickles. Trying to keep my composure, but failing as I gave into his hands, cursing myself for giving in so easily.

I begged with tearful eyes, "Jeongguk, please. Just speak to me."

"Taehyung, there's noth-"

"For fuck's sake!" I yelled, startling myself and Jeongguk with my sudden outburst, "just tell me what's wrong! I saw your puffy eyes and I heard your sniffles!"

Jeongguk looked slightly stirred by the shout.

"Please." My voice cracked, tears dripping down my cheeks, "Jeongguk. I'm begging you. I just want to know why you're sad."

"Taehyung," he said, voice soft, "there's nothing wrong with me. Seeing you sad, is making me sad."

"I won't be sad when you tell me!"

Blackmail? Slightly.

Regrets? Not at all.

"You wouldn't get it anyway, even if I did tell you." Jeongguk said quietly, almost inaudible.

"Well, just tell me, and I'll comfort you. Please, Jeongguk, I love you. So fucking much. And it pains me, it kills me to see you in such a state."

Jeongguk bit the corner of his lip, looking away. His eyes were shut, but I could tell by the fluttering of his eyelashes that he was trying not to cry.

"I can't." He said, voice laced with sadness, pitch cracking halfway through.

"Why?" I said, soft and gentle, "why not?"

"Because it'll show I'm weak. You don't need to see that. You don't deserve it." Jeongguk shook his head, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

"I don't care about weaknesses. You're still Jeongguk, regardless, you're still the one I fell in love with."

"No, Taehyung. Honestly, it's horrible. I don't even think I could begin to explain, I break down everytime."

"Then, let me help you. I'll guide and comfort you. Please, Jeongguk, I'm willing to help you in absolutely everyway possible."

Cautiously, I stepped over to him as his head lolled, chin resting on his collarbones. I'd noticed that this was something he did when he was disappointed in himself. Hiding away his face in shame.

I lifted his head up with my hand, thumb pressing against his jaw as my fingers laid upon the back of his neck.

Tears stained his face, the colours of his irises lightning with the sadness. They slipped past his bruised cheekbone, the water highlighting the yellow blossom, making their way to his lips where he folded them into the tissue, holding back further sobs through a choked, pained sound.

"It's okay to cry, Jeongguk. I'm here." I said softly, staring into his eyes gently to show that I was being sincere, bringing my other hand to hold at the other side of his face, "I'm always going to be here."