idol ⌮ kim yohan

33 | performing

Yohan~

We just finished the high-touch and Q&A session, when we were then immediately called down to main programming. It all feels too sudden, but it's the fixed schedule so we just gotta go with it.

We got to watch a few groups perform while waiting backstage, and even got to say hi to old colleagues and new rookies. There's a barrier between rookies and older groups, but somehow we're standing in the middle and we don't really know where we belong.

"LOONA, on stage please. X1 get ready, you guys are going after them." One of the staffs called out and we all nodded in sync.

"I have to go to the washroom..." Junho began to look very pale, and his voice was barely audible. I followed behind him just in case.

The individual washroom door locked, and I began to hear gagging. He's trying to throw up...

"Junho, come out!" I banged on the door, but he won't budge. After a few more knocks, he finally opened.

"I'll perform- don't worry." He assured me while trembling. He seems extremely exhausted, and his chest is heavily rising up and down.

"Go home immediately after this. I'm gonna tell the manager- you really need to go get checked." I patted Junho's back and he replied with a simple nod.

We managed to execute a pretty adequate performance, which seemed to have left a good impact on the audience- overall, I'm quite satisfied. I talked to the manager with Junho, and he advised him not to perform in LA so that he can immediately just go back to Korea.

"You did well, Junho." We all waved him goodbye as he went inside the company car, on his way back to the airport.

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Olivia~

Yohan kept me updated about their New York trip and also about Junho. He seems to be going through a lot, so I thought why not be here to be his friend- especially when his fellow members are traveling without him, he might feel alone.

Junho has also reached out to me, and asked if I could take him to the hospital. At first, I was quite hesitant after what the CEO has said- but then again, he's a close friend and it would be tiresome to reject his invitation.

I picked him up from their dorm using a taxi as my source of transportation. Junho covered himself up with a mask and a hat- his mask being the medical one, so that way it's less suspicious.

Since the company made an appointment prior today, we immediately got to go inside of the doctor's office.

The doctor introduced herself to us and had a one-on-one talk with Junho about his recent condition and such. After about fifteen minutes, we were then silently called back into the room. She explained to us how Junho has been accumulating anxiety disorders, and also advised him to seek a psychiatrist.

It was still quite shocking to him, even though he already somewhat new. I think he didn't expect his condition to be that serious, and it seemed to have stress him out even more.

After the checkup I went to a nearby pharmacy to purchase his medications, then we both got dropped off to their empty dorm. It's my first time being here, and it's definitely a huge place- I now get why Yohan's been spending most of his time here.

"What is it that's making you feel so uneasy?" I asked Junho while we chatted over a nice cup of peppermint tea. The doctor suggested it, since it's apparently great for insomnia.

"I often feel like a burden to my group- like I can never be good enough," Junho continued. "Even if I leave, it won't be noticeable- I've always had short lines and quick centre parts, most times I couldn't even do them properly. I've been trying to improve, but somehow I just can't find my best self... I'm too much of a coward to do so."

I didn't know what to say.

I'm not sure if I could be much help, but I do assume that letting things out could somewhat make him feel better.

One thing's for sure tho; I'll always be here to listen.

"Even before we debuted again, I've always been so afraid of failure after what happened last time- every time I come to think of what we've been through after disbandment, it really scares me... what if I mess up? What if our group flops again?Somehow, I forgot the main purpose of why I love performing. I lost my passion because it became fear. I've also always wondered, what if my name becomes forgotten?"

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I have so many tests rn uhhhh im gonna sob liek I just wanna sleep:(((

Song: DPR CREAM — Problems