idol ⌮ kim yohan

40 | breakdown

[WARNING: Smut. Depression. Please don't read if you don't feel comfortable with any of those]

Olivia~

Yohan stormed into the apartment, having a mental breakdown as he threw himself onto the couch. I want to talk to him, but I feel so afraid of what he can say or do to me.

"I'm fucking annoyed with the group. Is being synchronized supposed to be that difficult? Seungwoo's making a big deal out of it too."

"Oh, is that so..." After last week, I know damn well but to be much more careful with my words. "You can rant if you want, you know I'll always listen."

"I'm tired of talking," he suddenly stared at me with lust in his eyes. "Let's do it right now."

My body feels extremely tired today, and I'll probably have a fever soon... but I know that he has it more difficult than me. I know Yohan just wants to get away from everything, and I'm really trying to understand that.

"I feel sick today... you might catch it too." I made excuses, but that's clearly not working on him.

"You're not sneezing or coughing- you seem perfectly fine. Go strip. Be naked before I come out of the washroom." He rolled his eyes before disappearing.

I have to do as he says. If not, then Yohan might leave me... I'm so scared to even think about that.

I quickly took off all my clothes and laid down naked on the bed, waiting for him. I do feel really disgusted of myself... but what can I do? I love him. I love him so much that I'm afraid of disobeying him.

"I'm too tired, let's just skip foreplay." I opened my eyes and saw Yohan getting ready in front of me. At least he remembered to wear protection this time.

He inserted himself in me and immediately went fast, not even daring to hold back. I feel as if I'm being crushed into small pieces, but my heart still beats like crazy. Yohan's pace quickened and became even rougher, making it extremely painful... I wanted to scream, but I know that he'll get mad.

It's not the first time I've done it with him, but today feels different.

It hurts.

My whole body, including my heart.

I fought myself really hard to open my eyes, since I heard a sound that's very unfamiliar to me. It's Yohan crying in agony... and it hurt me more than anything.

I just let him do whatever he wanted, since I didn't want him to feel that way anymore. If he wants to use me to become happy, then I'll let him.

"Use me. Don't cry anymore." I whispered to his ears and he suddenly flipped me over and pushed harder from the back. I also wanted to cry because it hurts so much- so much that I started to bleed. However, I have to be strong for him.

"Thank you..." Yohan sighed heavily before falling down onto the bed beside me. I didn't even orgasm, but knowing that he did is enough to satisfy me.

"I hope you feel better." I wiped away his tears and pulled him closer to me.

"Why do you still love me, even though I'm a complete a mess?" He cupped my face while staring deep into my eyes.

"Because I've loved you since the very beginning. Why should I back down now? When you're hurting, I want to aid you. As long as we're in this together, I'll be there for you until the end. Please don't lose yourself."

"Well then, will you remind me of who I am?"

I wish I could... but holding back is easier than hurting and offending you. If I tell you what's really happening, then it'll just stress you out even more. It's not worth it.

"What if by chance it actually does happen... what would you do?" Yohan suddenly brought up.

"I'm not sure."

You've already changed.

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Song: BTS (방탄소년단) — Love Is Not Over (Full Length Edition)