Bad Boy Benefits

(32)

Song Above: No GoodByes Leon

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So the car journey was awkward.

Well I mean it was awkward for Brody and I. Rose and Ryan seemed completely oblivious. They had lost in the maze because Rose somehow managed to get tangled in the ropes like some messed up game of twister. When they asked how we had got on we both just said we had won and didn't dwell on it. The less we said the better. Luckily they were too consumed in telling their own version of events that they didn't ask any more questions.

Rose and Ryan were in front whilst we were sat in the back. He was close enough that I could feel the heat from his body. Every time Ryan turned a corner Brody's shoulder would brush against mine and my heart fluttered like a caged bird.

I had my palm on the seat in order to steady myself and so did he. If I reached my fingers out an inch our hands would be touching and I had to resist the urge to. I caught him glancing down a few times and I thought maybe he had to restrain himself as well. Well, I hoped.

Our kiss was quick, made my head spin and stir with confusion. I wished it had lasted longer. When he kissed me it was euphoric and I wanted more and more. It was two sins in one; gluttony and lust. When he pulled away it was as if his body had taken control rather than his mind.

When he looked at me his eyes were wide, his pupils dilated and his cheeks flushed red. He was the one to break the silence and the first thing he said was that it was a mistake and no one could know about it. I wasn't too sure whether he believed that himself but I had to hide my disappointment by agreeing with him. Even though I didn't whatsoever.

It felt like I had been yearning for him to make a move for so long and I'd tried to push these feelings aside, telling myself that they were forbidden and wrong but him kissing me brought them bubbling to the surface. I needed to know why he had done it. I needed to know whether it was just an in the moment kiss or whether it was much more. Brody's mind was a treasure that I needed the map to find. I'd put together some pieces but they were jagged and uneven.

As the car journey was slowly coming to an end my eyes flickered between Rose and Ryan who were laughing and joking and blissfully unaware of the silence in the back. The initial buzz of the kiss had worn down and the harsh reality struck me like an electric current.

Yet again had I done something behind my best friends back and this time there was another individual to add to my guilt list. Ryan. If I didn't like Ryan in the slightest this wouldn't have been so hard but I was torn. As I've said a thousand times he was sweet, kind and everything so many girls could ask for in a boyfriend.

I was lucky to have him, so why didn't I feel so lucky?

We pulled up onto my drive. My house was the first stop and I hesitated before getting out of my seat. I could feel Brody's eyes boring into the side of my face and I wanted to steal a glance but I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to look away.

I heard the click of Ryan's seat belt and I cocked a brow as he started to get out of the car. He walked around to my side of the door and opened it.

"Brody, do you mind driving Rose home?" He chucked his keys at him before he could object. Brody caught them in his hand, stayed silent and got out the car and into the driver's side. Rose placed her hand on his lap, which he ignored and I felt sick.

"Are you not going home?" I asked my voice coming out quieter than I had intended.

He grabbed my hand, "I thought we could hang out for a bit,"

"Um, yeah sure if you'd like," The only person who would have sensed my lack of enthusiasm was Brody, but he didn't react upon it. He just kept his eyes forward and stared out the window deep in thought.

"See you later guys," Ryan smiled as he helped me out of the car.

"Bye Rose," I forced a smile, "Bye Brody," As soon as his name left my lips he looked at me. The expression on his face trapped me like a deer in headlights and I wanted to say something, anything but I couldn't. So I didn't.

I looked at Ryan's hand in my mine, it was warm and soft and I sucked in a harsh breath. We started to walk up the path and I could hear the tires of the car turning and speeding down the road until there was no longer a sound.

When we stepped inside my house my mom wasn't home, surprise and I went to ask Ryan if he'd like a drink but I was silenced by his mouth on mine. He was so close I stumbled and found my back against the wall. His kisses were rushed and even though they were a lot better than before it didn't cause me the type of feelings I had felt when that someone else had kissed me. His lips tasted like salt and a mixture of strawberries. His hands held my waist in position and I thought I should put my hands around his neck so I didn't seem like a limp noodle.

I was half kissing him back, half in astonishment at what was happening right now. I'd almost drowned, Brody had kissed me and Ryan had decided that this was the best moment to pounce on me.

His hands moved to the buttons on my jeans and as if I'd been splashed with cold water I snapped out of it. I put my hands on his chest and gave him a small push. He didn't quite get it and carried on so this time I pushed harder. He fell back a little blinking, his lips red and his hair disheveled.

"You okay?" He asked his cheeks beat red and I tried to look anywhere other than below his waist. Something had woken up down there and I felt like it was staring directly at me.

"Yeah I'm fine, it was just a bit fast that's all,"

"I'm so sorry," He said embarrassed rubbing the back of his head, "I just got a bit ahead of myself,"

You could say that again.

"Don't worry,"

There was an awkward silence and I didn't really know what to say to him. Most girls would kill to be in this situation. Ryan was utterly beautiful. I should want to be with him. But I wanted to be with someone else and I couldn't be and because of that, I was settling with someone who shouldn't be second best.

"Do you want me to go?"

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at him. He was watching me. His eyes were sad and his cheeks were no longer flushed.

If I said I wasn't riddled with guilt I'd be lying. I wanted to tell him to leave. I wanted to tell him that he deserved better than someone who could never care for him as much as he cared for them. I wanted to tell him to find someone else.

But I didn't.

"No don't go, let's watch a movie or something,"