Take Me Back To Paddington (SERIES)

Chapter 4 - The News

Regrets. What can I do about them?

They roamed in the heart like they owned that sacred place of mine while they were just nothing than outsiders. They lived there and changed everything like they were the rulers and banished its owner; me, to a prison that couldn't be found and escaped from. They made me question the things that never crossed my mind before, turning all that I knew upside down, changing everything that had been keeping me calm into chaos, killing the strength that I had been struggling to keep and left me with nothing. That concept of regret sounded like a war, the unplanned one yet still managed to take over everything like it was plotted for years in advanced.

Or maybe it was really a war; the one within myself.

The noise of the shattering glass accompanied my screams as my teary eyes were looking for other things in the room that I could throw, intending to break them apart against the wall just like what fate did to my heart. But my fingers could no longer find anything to snatch on the counter, and Natalie's hands were the only power in grace that grabbed me instead.

"Chae!"

Her arms caught my body before I hit the floor, making the fall less cruel to my bones when I couldn't stand on my feet anymore. I was drenched in grief and sadness that dug my faith out of my chest, and consumed by the hellfire of anger that I once felt when my mum earned her wings 2 years ago. I was so mad at everything, including the God Himself, until I couldn't feel any pain in my bloody hands that caused by those broken glasses, poking and cutting my palms with their sharp edges.

What else that is more hurtful for my brain to register as a pain, than losing my Lisa? None.

"Nat-" My sobs caged every word I wished I could say, letting nothing else out except its own.

"Chae, I'm sorry"

"It's Lisa, Nat"

Her shoulder was the only comfort I had at that time, offering the least amount of consolation in loneliness that had started to overrule my soul ever since I received the news about the derailment of the train from Glasgow to London after work. The fact that I only found out about it when I reached home, making me feel a lot more useless as if knowing it earlier could make any difference. It couldn't.

But I felt really bad for going to work with anger towards Lisa, for cooking and ignoring her next calls after I ended the one we had before, for minding my own business with customers like I had no single care for her anymore, while she was trying her hardest to reach out to me on her way back to England, until the train she was on took at least 28 lives, including hers.

Regrets could take a person in many forms. Some were direct, torturing you without hidden agendas and some were solitary, breeding denial in thoughts and feelings just to make you lost even further into the trap. Mine took me death. It was death that knocked all the senses in me as I was beaten on the floor by my own misery, and having a pair of hands to help wasn't the same as it looked.

I couldn't be helped. Nobody could help me.

"I'm here, Chae" Natalie continued to offer the best support as she could for my emotional state at that moment, stroking my back strongly yet gentle at the same time. "I'm here for you"

Sobbing, I could only keep the voice in my mind remained where it belonged.

Out of so many people, why Lisa?

Those arms released their grip and I was captured around my own this time, receiving a few pushes that were meant to pull me back on track as I was derailed myself, just like the train that took my Lisa with it.