Take Me Back To Paddington (SERIES)

Chapter 11 - The Way Back Home II

I saw the scenery again when I pushed my eyelids up, not wanting to be drowned in those dark memories anymore. The rocking of the train that was on its way to bring me to Northampton station almost put me to sleep, despite of the noises it made, it was kind of calming to me after the pressure that was put inside my brain.

But even though I would love to remain seated, I just got the urge to use the toilet that forced me to get up on my feet. So I walked along the aisle with my backpack secured in my grip, heading towards the toilet sign at the end of the car.

The locking sound of the door offered me the serenity I needed since I really wanted to be alone now. Sharing space with other passengers while bearing an emotional condition that wasn't easy for me to handle, wasn't a good idea at all.

I opened the tap, staring at the flowing water as my eyes began to do the same thing. My hands were holding on the sink with a strength that I wished I had along my arms whenever dad hurt me. He hurt my heart, and he kept on hurting me but still, I loved him.

I loved him so much.

The sobs that I had been trying to hold were now free, echoing in that small space as my chest became heavier. It didn't matter how long I cried, or how many tears I shed, the pain wouldn't come out. The agony I had to keep inside without telling anyone about it wouldn't leave me alone, making my heart its guest house that it could go to and leave whenever it pleased. I was so tired of feeling like this, God knew how tired I was. Sometimes it was just unbearable until I had the idea to jump from a building and get it over with. That was going to end everything, for sure.

Even so, I still couldn't do it. It wasn't because I didn't want to. I really wanted to leave this world, just like my mum did. But how ironic it was when a man who made me feel like killing myself, was the only reason for me to stay alive? I didn't have the heart to leave him, his wife had done that, and I didn't want to do the same.

I splashed some water to my face, feeling the freshness of it on my skin after having some unwanted cries. I shouldn't have let those memories got into me again, I knew better. Dad could change. I was aware that I had said that to myself a thousand times and still believed in it. It was because no matter how he hurt me, no matter what he forced me to do for him, he never touched me.

Sometimes it got me thinking that he was just trying to be a bad person, while actually, he didn't have the guts to. He didn't even dare to touch me the way other sick men would've done. He still had his limit and that was the reason why I spent some times before bed every night, praying for him that he would change and be forgiven by Lord.

The toilet lights gone off all of the sudden, and I could feel the train had stopped moving as it slowly losing its speed. Panic started to consume me, sending lots of thoughts of what was happening.

Did we just lose electricity supply?

Grabbing my backpack, I opened the door and the daylight greeted me. I was lucky that I travelled in the morning. The idea of taking the train at night was beyond my imagination at this point. It would have been a disaster for me to be in the dark with strangers while the responsible workers were fixing the problem up.

But the light from outside wasn't the only thing my eyes could see. There was someone I knew walking along the car, someone I certainly didn't expect to be meeting on this train, and she looked like she was making her way towards me. What's she doing here?!

My heart drummed against my chest as I stared at every step she took; bold and firmed, reminding me back to my Lisa. That was how she moved, rough and man-liked kind of walking. Sometimes I thought she was angry, always angry just because of the way she walked. Her shoes must have left some marks on the dirt, always.